Saturday, September 25, 2010

Worth Fighting For

For a long time I've had this theory -- things happen when you least expect them to. My worriesome nature seems to stem from the idea that when you don't worry, when you don't think about worst case scenario, that's when bad things occur. I wouldn't really recommend living this way, but for a long time, I was a firm believer in this. What I have come to realize is this: bad things are going to happen whether you worry about them or not, and also, sometimes, every once in awhile, good things happen, too. Great things, in fact. I met Jonathan at a completely random, in some ways, inconvenient time in both of our lives. And every single day, I am thankful for it...and I'm pretty sure he is, too. I've probably 'worried' about Jonathan since the first day I met him... but that hasn't seemed to halt bad things from happening...

The last few days have been challenging. We received some less than optimal test results and are presented with yet another battle. I have no doubt in my mind that he is capable of winning that battle, but that doesn't change just how much it sucks that he has to fight at all. If you know him, you probably already love him, and if you don't know him, trust me, you would love him if you met him. It's an effect he has on people -- doesn't matter where he goes or what he's doing -- everyone falls in love with him. A person like that, with so much talent, so much to offer, doesn't deserve to go through any of what he's been through and continues to face. I guess no one really deserves to go through anything...but it seems to me, the people faced with the biggest issues, the scariest situations are the best people. I see that every single day in the children I take care of. These amazing that I know could change the world if given the opportunity, are stuck fighting for their lives. It doesn't seem fair.

I felt like it would be a good idea to write a new post, given so much has gone on the last few days that perhaps it would be beneficial to me to share my emotions. But I find the words difficult to form... tears, however, come easily. Maybe they speak much more clearly than any words I can come up with.

I'm not afraid of the future. I know in my heart of hearts that he will be ok...more than ok. When I cry, it's mainly for what he will face in order to reach 'ok'. I cry for the disappointment he must be feeling; for the constant obstacles he must overcome. I cry for the fact that he worries more about me than he does about himself. Most of all, I cry for those rare moments I know he will inevitably face when he will not feel as strong as I know he is. I wish I could fix it for him or share some of the responsibility to win this fight, but all I can do is stand by him, and love him -- something that comes so easily to me it barely seems like I'm doing enough.

Life isn't fair. But despite the obvious reasons that I could be angry, or bitter... look at what I have. I have a love that some people never get to experience... a love that is worth fighting for. I have a love that will never be taken for granted. And because of that, I am beyond sure that there is still good in this world...that amazing things do happen. Jon and I always say we're going to 'have it all'. And we will, in every sense of the word. But we both also know that as safe and loved as we feel when we're together, as much of a protective cocoon our relationship can sometimes feel like, reality somehow finds a way of sneaking up on us... but we're always ready. We're a team, and ready to fight... for life, for love, for everything we want out of this world... and I can't help but smile thinking that together, we're unstoppable.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Six months ago today my whole world changed. I met the most amazingly talented, sweet, and funny person. He swept me off my feet with his charm, and his wit. Six months ago today marked the start of the best six months of my life. Jon's incredible strength, his uniqueness, and honesty have brought so much to my life. He challenges me to be the best person I can be...He doesn't let me settle for less or get away with my (sometimes) immature antics. :) Six months may seem so short to some. But the intensity of our relationship and the strength we've developed together, in my opinion, puts us light years ahead of some couples who have been together for years. Trust me, if I were sitting here reading someone else's blog about her boyfriend of six months I'd probably roll my eyes. But maybe the saying is true -- when you know, you just know.
We've developed our own world together, often understanding each other without saying a word. And as I watch him develop his own life and accomplishments, I could not be more proud. The challenge he is facing and that we, in turn, are facing together have done nothing but show our true courage. On second thought, it is his incredible courage that allows me to be stronger. Maybe it helps us realize more than others just how important we are to one another... How valuable life is...How amazing it can be.
So I will always cherish the last 6 months...Our first 6 months of many... For it was the time I learned more about myself than I have in a long time. It was the time I learned to love another more than I thought possible. It was the time I have smiled more than I ever knew I could. It was the time I first started to be a part of his world; a time when I found my inner strength... And as cliche as it sounds, my other half.

"You are the best thing that's ever been mine."

Guardian Angels

I have always been an animal lover. I think that many animals have a sixth sense about them. When I was 7 years old, my parents bought a Jack Russel Terrier puppy. To this day, I remember hearing his tiny paws coming down our old apartment hallway and being so surprised. He looked like a pig in a way, with his pot belly and short little legs. He had black and white spots, and on his head was a white spot shaped like a diamond. Thus, to a 7-year-old little girl, his name was born. Being an only child, having Diamond was a blessing. He was my best friend, my protector, my playmate. His spirit never failed to make me smile. As I hit the challenging teen years he seemed to be the only 'person' who understood me at times. He was (and still is) my family in every sense of the word. When I was upset, he never left my side, and often tried to lick the tears off of my face. Leaving him at my parents' house was probably the hardest part of moving into my own apartment. Now, as his 17th birthday approaches (crazy, I know), I am aware that our memories together are probably limited. He has aged the most over the past year or so... he has trouble seeing, his back legs are weak, and his hearing is lacking. He has to be carried up the stairs and can no longer jump on and off the bed. People often ask why we haven't put him to sleep. For the record, I would never in a million years want to be selfish and keep him around suffering simply because letting him go would be too hard. Sincerely at this point, he still gets excited to go for a walk. He still snuggles next to me. He still knows when it's time to eat and will still bark for table food. He's still Diamond...just an older version. My hope is that when the time comes he will fall asleep wrapped up warm in his favorite blanket, curled up next to my parents and drift away. 17 years is a long time to know someone, whether person or animal. And I will surely not be the same without him. But how blessed I am to have had a guardian angel with me for 17 years.

My boyfriend's dog, Josie, seems to have smiliar qualities. When Jon is not feeling well, she will lay beside him with her head resting on his leg and not move for hours. When I was upset, she followed me up the stairs and licked the tears off my face...I felt like she was telling me, "Don't cry, everything is going to be alright." And surely she must know. <3

I don't usually mesh well with people who aren't animal just doesn't really make sense to me why someone wouldn't like animals. Perhaps they aren't ready to be loved that way. Animals love us unconditionlly... without question, without expectation, regardless of what we look like, what we've done, where we've been. It is perhaps the purest form of love that exists.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Only Human

I usually blog about my emotions and my life pretty easily. Words seem to flow... Today I don't have any words. The emotions are there, the feelings are there, but I can't seem to verbalize.

I like stories. When I first became a nurse I would get so wrapped up in people's stories -- whether happy or tragic. I could empathize so well with a lot of my patients and their families. As time went on, I learned to still be involved but maintain just enough distance so I wasn't an emotional wreck 24-7.

When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew how hard it might be at times. I convinced my family and friends who were worried about me and my sanity that I was strong..that it wasn't that big of a deal. I could handle it. He was doing great, right? It was just another obstacle. I kept my feelings to myself. I smiled and told everyone things were great. And they were; they are. But I never told people how stressful/scary/frustrating/emotional it was for me. I never thought I'd be in the story... a part of someone's story, with no chance for maintaining distance or putting up walls.

When you love someone, it's impossible to stay away. It's impossible not to feel it in your own heart. I felt like (and still feel) I had no right to complain or feel sad because I chose to be in this story. But emotions usually win over being logical. Sometimes the tears come though I don't want them to, often without warning and without real reason. And sometimes for a few seconds I'm angry as opposed to the blessed feeling I usually have. Sometimes I'm scared though I know rationally there's no real reason to be. Sometimes it's hard to smile and be supportive when all I want to do is fix it. Sometimes everything is NOT ok. It's a very solitary feeling... I guess no one can really understand unless they're living it. I don't expect many of my friends to understand, and most avoid the topic all together. I can't really blame them since I put on the act that it's "no big deal". Ironically, I yell at my boyfriend for doing the very same thing. I tell him to express his feelings... to let himself be angry/sad/frustrated and not play off the situation like it's easier than it is. I tell him that constantly, and yet here I am, so afraid to do the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I am lucky in so many ways. Although a rough road, it could be a million times worse. There is no chance for me to lose him to this battle and for that I am more grateful than I could express in words. But despite the blessings, maybe it's ok for me to still be angry sometimes. We are amazing together..but sometimes I find myself looking with envy at couples who seem to have no obstacles to overcome.

Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. I want to make things better for him. I want to be there for him. I want to understand when he's snappy with me. And I think i do a pretty good job, but in the end I think I need to let myself be human.

One thing needs to be made clear: there is NO doubt in my mind that this is where I want to be. I have a love that I believe most people never get to experience. I also think that this journey will make us stronger in the end. When you love someone, truly love someone, when you're a part of someone, you take on their troubles, their pain, their tears...and that is a feeling that cannot be described in words. To watch someone you love go through something difficult, to watch them hurt, and not be able to do anything about it, is the most helpless feeling in the world. And to know that his biggest wish is most likely to erase all of this journey hurts... he is my dream come true yet if his wish were granted, our relationship most likely would have never come to be. And on a deeper level, it hurts even more to know that if I could grant him that wish I would. If I could change things for him and give him his life back the way it 'should have' been, I would.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could do a better job of keeping my feelings to myself because the last thing I ever want to do is make him feel worse... or give him the idea that I in any way resent being there for him.. because that is absolutely not the case. But as much as I am a part of him and what he's facing, he in turn, is a part of me... so despite the fact that I am not the one physically going through it, it's a different kind of hurt, but it still hurts. Knowing him so well, I know that reading this will probably hurt will hurt him because he will somehow feel responsible for causing me pain. But the truth is, we're in it together. The smiles outweigh the tears; the calm overrules the anxiety; the love between us makes my heart complete. I will continue to find strength in myself that I did not know existed... and I will keep trying to give him the strength he needs.

Love conquers all. <3

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Dream Catcher

"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?"

When I was younger, I used to have nightmares. Not your typical 'monster under the bed' nightmares... more like 'picture your biggest fear' nightmares. I would wake up crying and it would take a long time to shake that feeling, to convince myself that what I had just dreamed of didn't actually happen. When my grandmother bought me a dream catcher I remember being fascinated by it. The idea was intriguing to me. This tiny object with its interwoven fabric, blue suede border and feather trim would somehow 'trap' my nightmares? I hung it up and believed in it, and although the occasional nightmare would still somehow manage to sneak through, for the most part, I felt like that dream catcher was doing its job. I took it with me when my parents and I moved into our new house, and it has made its way into my first apartment. Although my cynical side would probably make me the first one to laugh at the idea that a dream catcher actually works, I cannot say with certainty that I'd remove it from my bedroom without hesitation.

When I was little my mother had a lot of health issues (She's ok now though! ). I developed a sort of 'separation anxiety'. I was convinced that if I wasn't with her, if I couldn't physically see her or hear her voice, something would go wrong. It sounds ridiculous now, but at that time and at that age, it was my biggest fear. To alleviate my anxiety, my mother gave me a silver necklace with a small angel pendant on it. She had an identical one, and she told me that in a way we would always be together so long as I was wearing that necklace. I had more faith in that necklace than in any of my Catholic School teachings. To this day, if I am particularly upset about something or feeling uneasy, I will put that necklace on and feel safe somehow. It is amazing to me how at 24 years old that has stayed with me. It fascinates me how simple it was to believe in... despite knowing the rational side of things, the magic in that necklace was indisputable, and remains so.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he admitted to me that he often had nightmares. I found a dream catcher at an antigue/thrift store for $1 and gave it to him. I'm doubtful that he thought it would do much except look kind of cool hanging on his wall, but I thought it was a nice gesture... in a way, I wanted to be that dream catcher for him. I wanted to trap every fear, every nightmare and shield him from it. But sometimes, despite our best efforts the bad stuff can still manage to get through. Although rare these days, I still have nightmares. And when I wake up in that moment where for a split second it's hard to distinguish my fears from reality, it is impossible to put into words the comfort it brings me to look over and see my own personal living dream catcher. His face the reminder that reality is pretty amazing; the safety I find in his arms around me; the calm I feel at the sound of his voice. Maybe dreams are just like life -- sometimes they're happy, sometimes they're frightening, sometimes sad... sometimes they simply seem meaningless and we barely remember them. Whether the nightmare is a monster under my bed or the scary reality of life, it is a comfort to know I am never in it alone.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

No Other Way

It's been awhile since I last posted. Admittedly, I think i was being a little bit of a chicken. See, writing forces a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, a lot of truth.. and I think I was enjoying living outside of my own head for a little while. Don't get me wrong, things are pretty amazing right now. I feel lucky every single day. But I thought it might be time to clear my thoughts. So here I am.

The point of this blog is not to sit here and tell you how lucky I am. Those of you who are closer to me know that the happiness in my life does not come free from challenges. In fact, the biggest happiness in my life may prove to be the biggest challenge I've ever faced. But it brings out a strength in myself that I did not even know I had and more so, makes me admire the incredible strength in another person. And although I wish on a daily basis that I could somehow make things easier for him, deep down I know this is just one obstacle that we will face together.

It is hard for me to put into words how I feel about the person who has changed my world... the person who brightens every single day. The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine the most perfect person for you in this life.. your match. Your "other half" if you will. Your complete and utter dream come true. Well, as cheesy as it sounds that's what he is for me. It's like someone pulled him out of my head and placed him right in front of me. And I plan to hold onto him. ;)

He and I often hear that we have a "great story". People love things out of the ordinary...they love stories that make them believe. They love to find "reasons" and "meanings" behind everything. (I can't say that I haven't been guilty of this as well!) And while we do agree with how lucky we both are to have found eachother, I can't help but wish "our story" was different. I wish we had bumped into eachother on the street or at a bar... I wish we had never met the way we did, because then, perhaps, it would mean he never would have had to deal with what he's dealt with. Yes, maybe something incredibly wonderful has come out of something incredibly awful and for that we will both be grateful...but I can't help but think maybe some things are too terrible to have a reason. Did God screw up somewhere? Or maybe this is His way of fixing his mess up lol Or are things merely luck, coincidence?

Whatever the answer, I am grateful. I'm thankful for the happiness he brings to my life. I appreciate my face hurting from smiling so much. I find bravery in his strength. I find a sense of calm in his arms. I find appreciation in our days together and excitement in thinking about the future.

People face scary situations every day. Someone's life is turned upside down every minute. Life is frightening enough... but somehow I think together we'll be just fine. There's just no other way. And that's enough "meaning" for me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Strength & Weakness

I'm not a religious person. I'm not sure what I believe other than that I believe in something. There are so many religions out there, so many wars begun over disputes about religious beliefs...but I think the basis of all religion is faith. By definition, faith means believing something..believing in something...remaining true to something no matter what.

I meet people all the time who impress me with their incredible faith despite so many hard times... I watch them put prayer cards all over their child's hospital rooms, rosary beads, statues... I listen to them pray to God and despite hope-crushing circumstances, their faith never wavers. Mine does, however.

But perhaps love is my religion...because I surely have faith in that. I have faith in people, in family, in friends. People can let you down, family can disappoint you, and friends can betray you... love can hurt. But despite these trials of faith, my belief in love is unwavering. It's something I can feel in my entire body, something I am sure of without question. Putting your whole heart into anything can be scary -- whether it be placing your fate in God's hands, or your heart in the hands of another person -- it takes faith. It takes a sense of knowing beyond all reason what is right. And knowing that there is something bigger than you... whether that something is a god, or a once in a lifetime love.

Lately, I don't feel like the strongest person. I've been trying to figure out why I've been so much more emotional much softer; why work and life situations have gotten to me in such a bigger way lately. And the only answer I can come up with is this: I think my heart was guarded for so long. I think I felt things and loved people and got attached to people but all the while keeping a tiny bit of protection around my heart. Subconciously and unintentionally I never gave my whole heart away. And now, my heart is exposed. I've given it to someone. And my theory is that perhaps I've finally let my guard down. Maybe knowing what I have now and how lucky I am makes me feel things in a deeper way. And maybe that doesn't make me weak... maybe that makes me brave. Maybe I'm actually stronger than I ever knew. What I do know with undeniable certainty, is my faith in love could not be stronger & in a way, it renews my faith in everything else. <3

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Running on Faith

Life is scary. There are a million things that can go wrong. Every single day there are things that challenge your faith or make you question what you believe in. But sometimes, once in awhile, things go right. Something amazing comes out of something awful; someone makes you believe in magic again.
People fall in love. People make a commitment to eachother... and most of the time, they're happy enough. But what if there is more? What if there is someone who makes you happier than you ever knew you could be?? I think this type of love is rare... something most people never get to feel... and maybe they'll never know what they're missing.
But once you get a taste of that love... once you feel those butterflies, feel that completeness... I think it's impossible to settle for anything less.
It's easy to be in love during the good times.. but who do you see beside you during the bad times? Picture the worst imaginable thing that could happen in your life.. who's holding you? Who's sitting beside you? Who will be the one person to help pull you out of the darkness?
Who's on your team?
There's someone out there who's your biggest fan. He'll make you laugh louder than you've ever laughed before. He'll hold you in a way that makes you feel like nothing in this world could ever hurt you. He'll finish your sentences, or say what you couldn't put into words. He'll make you egg sandwiches... he'll sit in the park with you. He'll sing you a lullaby. He'll look at you like you are the greatest person on earth, even though you already know he is. You'll be in love all the time every day, even when times are hard. He'll kiss you in the middle of an argument. Time will speed up when you're together, and slow down when you're apart. You'll skip a breath when he tells you he loves you. And suddenly you'll realize, life isn't so scary anymore... because you know you've found someone who's in it with you... fighting for the same thing. Suddenly "I love you" doesn't seem like enough. But he'll know that when you say you love him, what you really mean is you're a part of him, with him through it all... he'll know that when you say it, it means something completely different than when you've said it in the past. Because maybe, it wasn't love until now.
Maybe we define love in our own way. But I think you'll know love when it hits you, when it defines YOU.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Tonight, I was talking to my mother about things that are going on in my life, and she said something that really struck me... She said, "There are always going to be people in your life who disappoint you... so when someone really extraordinary comes along, you have to let them in."
She's absolutely right. And I already knew this, but hearing the words really resonated with me.
When I decided to become a pediatric oncology nurse, I got a lot of negative comments... why would you do that? Aren't you going to be sad? etc etc. But I've met some of the most amazing kids and families in the course of my nursing career... children that I let into my heart, knowing that I could somehow end up hurt by it. And yes, sometimes it's been sad. Sometimes i got "hurt" in the end... but I am a better me for having let them into my life. But regardless of what people thought, I somehow knew this was where I belonged. I kind of ignored the negativity and the doubts and followed my heart. And that's what I'm doing again. I know where I belong. There's no doubt in my mind. Extraordinary people are exactly that..they are rare, and amazing, and I believe, they are worth risking everything for. I think anything really worthwhile in this life requires a certain element of risk; it requires taking a chance. It requires believing in your own strength, and really listening to your own heart. I feel sorry for the people who "play it safe". They will never know what it feels like to truly give your heart away. And as risky as that may be, as much as it may hurt if that heart gets broken, what's the point of keeping your heart to yourself??
There's also an element of faith that comes into play... faith in your own heart and where it leads you. I'll take extraordinary over ordinary... i'll take amazing over mediocre... I'll take butterflies over safety... I won't settle. Not in any aspect of my life. I asked my best friend, "Do you think I'm crazy?"... She smiled and said "yes, but you're happy..." And she's right.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Beauty Queen of Only 18

I had a few drinks with a group of my girlfriends tonight...they're from the pediatrics office where I worked throughout nursing school... it's a fun crew, especially because we're all different ages, and in different stages of our lives. We started talking about people getting engaged, married, having babies, etc..and we were discussing the "right" age for all that. My one friend, who's 22 said she's no where near the point where she'd want to live with her boyfriend or get engaged, even though she thinks they'll end up together eventually. My other friend who's about to be 25 said she'd like to be married by 28. I started to agree with this...I mean, 28 sounds pretty reasonable... I'm 24 years old and I guess 4 years seems like a good amount of time. On my drive home, I popped in some old school Coldplay music and I started thinking... Where do girls get these ideas from? Who says we should wait to get married or that we have to get married by 28 or have our first baby by 30? I know plenty of fabulous women who are 30 and single, or 24 and married having their first baby. I guess what I'm saying is, there is no magic number. I think it all depends on the individual situation; when it's right for you; when it fits your life. The last thing I'd ever want is someone to propose because he thought it was time.
When I was in highschool, 24 years old seemed like a lifetime away. And suddenly I feel like I blinked, and here I am. I remember hearing that song "She will be loved" and hearing the line 'Beauty Queen of Only 18'... I was 18 at the time and I would always smile when I heard that lyric. Now when I hear it, I think "18? Thats so damn young" haha I just think we get so wrapped up in looking forward to stuff or waiting for things to happen, that we miss so much. We get so caught up in the "right" thing or the "right" time... that I think sometimes we lose ourselves.
Lately though, I've been enjoying every moment. I hope everyone gets to feel this way at some point in their lives...because if this feeling exists, if this much happiness exists...if this heart beating faster yet slower sense of calm truly exists, and lasts, well then why settle for anything less?? I don't mean that things will always be perfect, or that life won't throw its curves like it usually does, but somehow, it's easier to handle...
So I don't know when the "right" time is, or when I want to get engaged, married, have babies etc... but I don't think it matters what I plan for. I could set an age right now, but in life things inevitably don't work out exactly as planned, and what I've found recently, is sometimes, they work out better. :) I'll take my chances. Besides, I like exactly where I am right now...and where I'm going.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Answer

What is it that keeps us going in this life?
I believe in a lot of things. I believe in laughter, in friendship, in love... I believe in magic that surrounds us every single day. I believe in second chances, in miracles, and in 'meant to be.' I believe in all of these things every single day. What keeps us holding on?
I believe in laughter although I've cried my share of tears... I believe in love although I've been hurt... I believe in miracles although I've seen tragedy. I believe in second chances even though I've seen them get wasted. I believe in 'meant to be' although I've seen plenty of 'should-never be'. I trust too easily. I'm kind to people who probably don't deserve it. I still wish on stars. Why? What is it inside of us that keeps us believing, that keeps us hoping and trusting? What makes us ignore all the bad we've seen; all the disappointment we've felt; all the warning signs going off in our head. At the end of the day, what makes us try again?
I think the answer to this question, like most questions, is LOVE. New love, old love, friendship love, falling in love, unconditional love, unrequited love -- maybe just the possibility of love. Maybe that's what keeps us going. Because if we can believe in the simple possibility of love... in any of its forms, maybe that's what gives us the strength to believe in everything else.
Life is hard enough. Maybe that's why I still believe... because if some part of me doesn't hold onto the belief that there is good in this world, that there is hope in this life... well, then why bother?
If you're lucky enough to be loved... that should be enough to convince you to keep find the strength to hang keep believing in magic. Because that love, is your proof...that good things -- miracles -- do exist.
I think one miracle carries a thousand times more value than one tragedy. I think one true friend is worth more than ten mediocre friends. I think one day of laughter outweighs a river of tears. I think being able to truly love someone... and being loved in return, is worth more than anything in this world. So hold on. Keep believing, keep trusting, keep hoping...

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." -- The Notebook

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Upside Down

Last night at work, I found myself tearing up for no apparent reason. As emotionally challenging as my job can be, I think I'm usually pretty good at holding it together. I mean, last night I didn't even have a real reason for getting emotional. It just sort of happened. I just couldn't shake the feeling of being that patient, or that loved one of the patient who is facing such a challenging situation. I think I'm able to empathize pretty well with my patients and their families, but for some reason, last night, it just hit closer to home than usual.
I'm a problem solver. I like to help. I like to fix things. I like to control things, and lately I just feel like there is so much I can't control. And it's making me mad. :-P
I can't control my heart. That's the biggest one I guess. I mean, no one really can, but it seems lately it's just taking me for quite a ride. It's hard to explain, but for me, work has always given me a sense of stability. As unpredictable as it can be, I know what to do as a nurse. I know how to take care of my patients. I know the routine. So you can imagine that last night when I started to lose it at work, I sort of felt turned upside down.

Today when i opened up my freezer there was a fortune from a fortune cookie underneath the box of frozen pizza I was taking out. (Random, I have no idea how it got there?) It said: "You allow others to see the beauty in this world." As silly as it sounds, that made me smile. I saved it (I know, cheesy). But as fortune cookies go, I think that's way better than the usual ones.

I like to believe in signs. Like I've said before, I'm not sure what I believe in as far as religion and God and all that... I've seen too much to say with certainty that things happen for a purpose.. but I do like to believe sometimes the universe understands... maybe I do have little control lately.. but someone or something knew what I needed to hear.. I needed someone to recognize that I'm really trying.. to remind me that I do make a difference...that I matter to someone. And somehow that little piece of paper made a big difference. So I'm sure the fortune somehow got stuck to a box on the counter that I put away in the freezer without realizing..I'm sure there's a completely logical explanation,but whatever the case, it was exactly what i needed at that moment.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. I never really liked that expression, but it seems to fit. It's out there, pretty vulnerable... but I guess that's what being with someone is about -- Giving someone the power to break you, and trusting them not to. It's realizing you cannot control everything..that in order to fall in love, in order to love someone, in order to hold onto someone, you actually have to let go a little.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I've been a hypocrite lately. Back in one of my older posts I wrote about seizing the moment, saying how you feel, etc. But the truth is, lately I've held back. There are words on the tip of my tongue that I can't seem to let out. And if you know me, you know that's completely unlike me. I guess it all goes back to being insecure, and well..just plain scared. But eventually, I'll be brave. :)
The last two months feel like a whirlwind... things changed and then suddenly I'm sitting here wondering how I got here... it doesn't seem real. Maybe because I like where I am right now. It feels right. And part of me wonders how I let myself feel so "un-right" for so long....

I've said a million times that I think certain people come into our lives for a reason... I actually think most people do, but did you ever find someone who so completely fits? I've tried being cynical... I've tried not to get carried away; tried to hold back.. but it's like every single day I find something else in this person that just matches me so perfectly. Does that make sense?

I've been in love... I've given my heart away before & I know I hurt the last person I was with very much. I started letting him go before he even knew I was slipping away & I will always have an ache in my heart because of that... I guess all I can do is hope he understands someday. I lost one of my best friends.. and although he probably thinks I've already forgotten him, that's not the case. I've simply realized that we don't fit anymore. It sounds so cold to read that line.. and it doesn't give our relationship enough justice..because it was very special to me... but I guess in words, it's very matter-of-fact. Hearts, on the other hand, aren't so simple.

So I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to acknowledge my past for what it was, enjoy every moment of the present, and try not to get carried away with looking toward the future. I'm going to look up at the sky and wish with all my heart that whoever it was that brought this particular person into my life, also lets him stay in it....

And then, I'm going to finally finish my Grad school paper (due tomorrow by the way lol)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Best of Me

Life is funny. We can feel so alone at times in this world... like we're the only ones stressed out or heartbroken or [fill in the blank]; We can have thoughts in our heads that we somehow, delusionally think no one else has ever thought of before... No one could possibly think like us, right? Until someone says that thought out loud and brings you back to reality. And no matter how many times it happens, it's still a wonderful feeling... when someone finishes your sentence, or knows what your reaction will be to a comment before they even say it; when you look at eachother & laugh, knowing exactly what the other is thinking. It's the little things I guess.
There are people in this world who bring out the best in you. They simply bring out the "you" in you. You may not notice at first...until maybe you realize you're singing louder than usual in the car with them, or twirling around the kitchen, or making up ridiculous songs. You are being you...and the best part is, they actually like it. I don't think there are many things in this world better than that. They're your biggest fan & if the feeling is mutual, then there's really nothing either of you can't accomplish. Sometimes you need someone to believe in you, so you can find the strength to believe in yourself. :)

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Have you ever been in the middle of something, and suddenly you remember something someone said to you? You might be in the middle of laundry, and you smile, remembering sweet words you were told...Sadly, I tend to think we usually remember more of the hurtful words ...and for some reason, once we rememeber, once we remind ourselves of those hurtful words, they seem to repeat in our heads, over and over again. It doesn't matter how untrue those words may be. Words are SO powerful. They have the potential to change everything you believe in if spoken by the right person. When someone knows you well, they know exactly what to say to wound you... they know your weaknesses, your insecurities, your vulnerabilities..and hopefully they never use that information to their advantage, but it's a power you give them...By opening yourself up to someone you risk everything.
I'm trying to write a paper for Grad school... but everytime I'm about to start writing, I just keep hearing the same words over in my head. Words that sting every time I think of them. And even though rationally, I think... I mean, I know these words are untrue, they've somehow stayed with me just the same. Maybe I just need to hear some extra nice words to clear my head of the bad stuff. :) Funny how we always believe the bad things people say to us... but it takes so much convincing to accept the good.
I think when we are hurt, our initial reaction is to find a way to hurt the person who caused us pain...I am guilty of this as well, but my advice is this: be careful with your words. They are more powerful than you think, and cut more deeply than you know. If you know what to say to someone to hurt them, that means they let you in... be careful with their heart, and with your own.

Wish Upon A Star

"When you wish upon a star..." It's so true that when we are looking for answers, we tend to look up at the sky. Maybe we are searching for a sign that there is more to life, and to the world. A star gives great hope and a sense of comfort... a belief in magic. Funny how something so small and faraway can somehow make us feel so tiny. If God exists, and I hope he does, I'd like to think He made the stars just for that reason...Hope and understanding of the universe -- a universe we are such a small part of; a belief that magic surrounds us every day and the realization that those stars will be there no matter what path we may choose.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Moments & Positions

"As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then, the moment was gone..."

Another quote stolen from One Tree Hill...maybe not as sophisticated as Shakespeare, but pretty good regardless. :)

Have you ever stopped to remember something, closed your eyes, and you can literally feel it? I think those are very rare moments that stay with us... where time almost seems to slow down. If I stop and remember a "really good day", I can't help but smile, and I can almost feel the sunshine on my face. If I think back to a moment of sadness, I can feel the way the earth seemed to stop moving. There are moments that stay with us -- life-changing moments -- sometimes whether we want to remember or not.
But I think every single day is made up of moments that are potentially amazing. I think most of the time we just overlook them. We go through our days so fast, sometimes wishing for the weekend or something else we're looking forward to, and we ignore the magic that surrounds us every single day.
Yesterday, I went out for a run. I was concentrating on breathing, not collapsing, and how much further I had to go, when suddenly I noticed the most beautful flowers on a tree in the neighborhood. It was a huge tree with these big, white delicate flowers. And I stopped, stole one (of course), and looked around. And as cheesy as it sounds, I thought to myself that there's so much beauty in the world if we just look around; If we step outside of ourselves and the stress constantly circulating in our heads. The weather was perfect, the air smelled of springtime and as simple as it sounds, I felt lucky; to be able to be outside and to be able to run, to be able to enjoy spring; Lucky to be running with someone who I know cares about me. Lucky to have more good memories in my head than bad. Life is short; things can change so quickly to the point where these simple things are what you might wish for most. So I promised myself to try to slow down and appreciate all the good things that are around me every day.

I also think if we slow down and really feel a moment, we can find a lot of truth in that particular moment. This might sound strange, but I think positions between people really say a lot about their relationship. I guess a big one for me is, when you sleep with someone, where do you wake up? Is your head still on his chest? Are you holding hands? Legs touching? Or are you rolled over on the opposite side of the bed? When I went running yesterday with my friend (aka ex boyfriend), we started out running side by side, but no matter how hard we tried to stay in sync, one of us always ended up in front of the other... now maybe it's because the side walk is too narrow but somehow I think it's more than that. Do you break your 'hand-holding' because an obstacle like a mailbox or pole is between you, or do you both move together around it? Maybe I'm reading too much into these things, but for some reason I think they speak volumes.

And then there are certain people that seem to fit so well. They are the people who seem to have their own gravitational pull on your body. You know you'll wake up either touching them in some way or at least facing them. You don't miss a step when you're walking together; you move with eachother. And hopefully, if you're lucky, that's what you'll do in life. Move together around the obstacles, run at the same pace, and dream together. One can only hope. :)

Monday, April 5, 2010


I've had my heart broken before... once so bad that I didn't think I'd ever be me again... and once, recently, by my own doing. It doesn't matter who does the "breaking"... it always hurts. It still requires letting go... letting go of everyday routines, letting go of what I thought my life would be, how things would end up... letting go of who I was.
I like to think I'm a strong person. The first time my heart was broken, I swore I'd never let myself lean on someone so much that I'd forget how to stand on my own. I had to re-learn who I was, and what I was capable of. And although I use the word 'strong', thinking about it now, maybe a better word is 'safe'. Maybe since then I've played it 'safe'. I didn't lean much at all...even when I really could have used the support... I didn't give my heart away completely.. I didn't let myself be totally 'me'. I guess in the back of my mind I have this fear that I wear on people... maybe they think I'm really great in the beginning, but then after awhile, I just don't seem all that amazing anymore. As I sit here writing this, I'm shocked because I haven't really revealed that thought to anyone before..and now here it is, my insecurity, for the whole internet to see. But that's me..sometimes I'm insecure. Sometimes I get mad over stupid things. Sometimes I just need to hear something over and over again before I can believe it. Sometimes I push people away just to see how far they'll go. I'm sarcastic and silly and annoying at times. I have my moments when I'm clingy and possessive, but again that's just insecurity acting up. Sometimes I'm calm and cool and totally sure of everything, and other times I feel like I don't know anything at all. When it comes to love, sometimes I need reassurance. I need the actual cheesy words, and maybe that's frustrating to some people. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you definitely don't deserve me at my best. And at my best, I think I'm pretty awesome. If I care about you, if I love'll know it, and I'll never let you forget it.
In the last 6 weeks, I've taken "me" back. I forgot how much I actually liked myself... and how much I am capable of.
I think I have a good head on my shoulders and a solid view of reality. But sometimes, my heart gets so far away from my head that I feel like I have no control over anything. Lately, certain things in my life have felt almost scripted... Part of me smiles, thinking how things sometimes come together so well, while the other part of me completely freaks out. The expression "too good to be true" keeps replaying in my head over and over. But why can't things just be really good? Maybe I deserve it...maybe this is right where I'm supposed to be. I'll steal a song lyric from Rascal Flatts: "Sometimes, too good IS true."

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Break the Rules

In life and love, there are unwritten rules that most people follow. How long should a guy wait to call a girl after he gets her number, how many dates before it's 'ok' to have sex, how long until you can say 'I love you?' We play it safe. We all do it... how many times have you asked your friend, "Do you think that's too soon?" or let your cellphone ring 4 or 5 times before you answer his call (meanwhile, you've probably been staring at it for an hour waiting for that call.) Now i'm not saying a person should rush into anything, or act like a needy psycho ;) but take it on a case-by-case basis. I'm a big believer in doing what you feel -- so sometimes, I tend to make impulsive decisions, usually based on a 'feeling'... but you know what? I've never regretted one move I've made. It's the words I didn't say, the things I didn't do, the chances I didn't take... If you feel it, say it. If you want it, go for it. Life is too short to play games. So break the rules: take a chance, say what you're thinking, maybe even make a mistake. Who knows, that 'mistake' might bring you to the exact place you need to be.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Lucky Girl

It's easy to get lost inside your own head. You can think things over repeatedly, twist them around, and drive yourself insane. In those times, the people you surround yourself with can immensely impact your life. They are the ones who have the ability to pull you out of yourself, and show you that while you're busy overthinking things, there's a whole big world you're missing out on. They remind you that there's a future just waiting for you; that if you're at your worst possible moment, it will pass. And if you're having the time of your life, hold onto it.

I am lucky enough to have an amazing few who have done this for me time and time again. As cliche as it sounds, I do believe people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes that reason isn't clear, but I've found that it usually reveals itself. Although my faith can be easily shaken at times, I have enough proof and no trouble believing in this fact. There are the people you just know will be there forever; you don't even have to work at it.

Everyone can remember moments when a person impacted their life one way or another.

My best friend from college dragged me out of bed after my highschool boyfriend of 5 years left me. She's the girl I can be ridiculous with, and the one who can snap me out of a bad mood. We have more inside jokes than I could ever count.

My other best friend and I started out as coworkers. But almost two years, two jobs, and countless moments of 'being there' through the hard stuff, I can't imagine not having her in my life. She constantly reminds me to do what makes me happy & I love her for that.

I've been so lucky to have had some amazing friends who each, in their own way, changed my life. (& they definitely deserve more than a blog shout out)

At this present moment, I could not feel luckier. The people that I surround myself with genuinely care about me and encourage me to do what makes me happy. Sometimes you just need that extra push to make a big decision, or that reassurance that you're doing what's best. Sometimes you just need a friend to make you laugh and remind you to stop taking life so seriously.

...And then there are the rare people that come into your life so unexpectedly and somehow change it for the better. I hate to quote a teen drama, but this line from One Tree Hill really sums it up:

"Most of our lives are a series of images; they pass us by like towns on a highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens, and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever."

Treasure those moments & the people who bring them to you.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Soundtracks & Scripts

Have you ever been listening to your iPod and a certain song is playing, and the people around you seem to be moving to the beat of that song? It's strange, but it happens to me all the time on the subway and always makes me smile. Music is the most powerful thing to me. A song can transform my mood -- it can make me feel something I haven't felt before. A song can bring me back to a place in time so vividly that I almost forget where I am. And then there are always those times when a song comes on and the lyrics fit so well that it almost feels like the band is singing directly to me. I've been in confusing situations, maybe driving in the car thinking about whatever is going on in my life and suddenly a song comes on -- maybe a song that is hardly ever on the radio -- and the answer is clear. I think every moment has a soundtrack, whether it's music playing during a first kiss, or the sound of the television in the background during an argument. Sometimes it's a song you hear right after an amazing day that will forever remind you of a happy time... or vice versa. In the movies, the background music always fits the situation perfectly; it's meant to enhance the emotion you feel watching the particular scene. But in real life, it doesn't always work like that... maybe a love song is playing during a fight with your boyfriend, or maybe you're making out to Metallica. But it still fits.
I like when things work out perfectly (who doesn't?!), and I love to plan things, but my favorite things in life are the unexpected; the unscripted...the things that steer you off course and lead you to something more amazing that you wouldn't have otherwise discovered. I guess that's how I feel about life in general. When it comes to falling in love, I feel the same way. Don't get me wrong, I love a good chick flick love story but when it comes to real life, forget the predictable... I don't want red roses. I don't want candlelight, or the 'perfect' song playing in the background. Because in the end, that stuff doesn't mean a thing. Bring me some gummy worms (my fave). Give me tulips or daisies for no reason; kiss me when I'm standing in the kitchen; sing Michael Jackson with me in the car -- because those are the moments that, while unscripted and improvised, are absolutely perfect.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Face

I know I skipped the introduction part of this blog, but I feel the need to mention something very important to me, because it makes me who I am. I'm a pediatric oncology/bone marrow transplant nurse. Usually, when I tell people that I get 'the face' -- the look that says "Why on earth would you want to do that?!". Sometimes they actually say that out loud. I used to get pretty upset and frustrated by it, but now I just smile and say 'I love it' (which throws them an even bigger curve ball). And it's the truth. I do love it. Yes, it's sad at times, ok a lot of times. But the thing that it always is, is amazing. I get to meet the most incredible kids, the most loving parents; I'm there at diagnosis when their lives fall apart; I get to be there for each little victory and let down along the way; We're in it together -- and that's something that probably won't make sense to anyone who isn't familiar with the profession. It's not selfless. I get an immense amount of satisfaction when I can make one patient/family's day just a tiny bit better. I have been inspired by each and every patient I have ever taken care of. The most amazing thing about these kids is their strength. If I were dealing with their situations, I'd fall apart... but they just keep going, they keep fighting, and believe it or not, a lot of times they win. I'm not sure I believe things happen for a reason anymore -- I think I've seen too many things that simply cannot have a reason. But I do believe that these children are meant to touch the lives and hearts of everyone they meet.
I bring this up mainly because yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the loss of a VERY special little boy. In his short life, he brought so much happiness to so many people and I am honored to have been able to take care of him, and to get to know his incredible, loving parents.
One day, I hope the word cancer doesn't exist. But until that day, I am proud to help kick it's ass. ;)

Mind Over Matter

"Follow your heart". Perhaps the most over-used, most cliche saying -- it sounds pretty inspirational -- but what does it really mean? I don't know about anyone else, but my heart never really knows where it's leading me. It's hard to keep up sometimes. And trying to overthink things never really gets me anywhere. Now my gut, that's something I can rely on. You can make anything sound good in your own head -- you can convince yourself repeatedly that something is right; maybe even fool your heart sometimes -- but your gut never lies. Think about it: Those fluttery butterflies you get when you're nervous/excited to see someone; that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know something just isn't right; that calm you feel in your belly when you're finally comfortable with someone.
The truth is, you always know deep down what's right -- it's getting your mind to agree with it that's the hardest part. So much fear, so many 'what-ifs'. I guess I don't really think there are right and wrong decisions -- they're just choices that lead us down one path or another. The trick is to like the path you're on. And if you can find someone to travel that path with you, well then that's pretty awesome, too. To sum it up: "Happiness is a journey, not a destination" (Ben Sweetland)

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Every girl who has recently broken up with her boyfriend, grabs another single friend and heads straight to Midtown Manhattan. The night always starts the same -- listening to a little Lady Gaga while getting ready, picking out a cute outfit, laughing the whole cab ride/train ride into the city... and as soon as you step foot out of the cab your eyes start searching; you're looking for that one really cute guy; the one who's going to reassure you that you made the right choice in leaving couple-city... but let's face it, he just isn't there. AND if by some chance he is, you can rest assured his girlfriend isn't far behind. No, instead you'll find a bunch of too old/too young/too short/too [fill in the blank] men. I'm starting to think the Midtown bar scene was staged by a bunch of angry ex-boyfriends... because by the time you hit your second drink that sense of "ohhhh crap" hits you... 'Is this really what's out there?'... as if three bars within a one block radius hold your only choice for the future.
But the truth is, there's a whole big world out there. Stay strong, resist the drunk dialing... and enjoy your friends, because when it comes down to it, they're the ones you're going to need the next 50 times you go out and feel the exact same way... And they are the ones you're going to call when you finally run into a prospective "Mr. Wonderful".

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I've been thinking about blogging for awhile. I've always been a pretty consistent journal-keeper, but maybe it's time to catch up with the times. I'm not really into the whole introduction part.. I kind of just wanted a place to write down my thoughts about anything and everything & if for some reason people enjoy reading them, then that's just cool. I figure if I can make someone say "Heyyy that's exactly what I just went through", well then that's pretty amazing. I recently moved out of my parent's house into my very first apartment. I love it. There's just something about having your own space. I've heard so many older women tell me that their biggest regret was moving right from their parents' house into their husband's house -- they never got a chance to have something that just belonged to them. Don't get me wrong, my dad still comes over to dig out my car if it snows, and if I see a bug I'll probably pack my bags and end up back home -- so I can't sit here and preach independence -- but I definitely think it was a good choice to give myself some "me" time before I have to share someday. :)
Did I mention I'm not very good at sharing?? I guess it's the only child in me, but I'm probably not the easiest person to live with. I like things the way I like them... It's the little things. For example, I don't believe in eating an uneven number of frozen waffles (because really who wants to be the unlucky person left with just ONE in the box?!). I guess I just have a few pet peeves to get over. But for now, I don't have to. And someday, when I actually want to share with someone, maybe just maybe it won't bother me if he leaves one waffle in the box ;)

So I guess that's where the title of this blog comes from -- Fly girl, fly. My dad has always encouraged me to get out into the world and do my own thing. I grew up being taught to never doubt myself; that no dream is impossible. And I think that mentality has a lot to do with who I am and how I see the world. So my advice is this: take the time to get to know yourself, love yourself, and little by little you'll learn to fly.