Monday, April 5, 2010


I've had my heart broken before... once so bad that I didn't think I'd ever be me again... and once, recently, by my own doing. It doesn't matter who does the "breaking"... it always hurts. It still requires letting go... letting go of everyday routines, letting go of what I thought my life would be, how things would end up... letting go of who I was.
I like to think I'm a strong person. The first time my heart was broken, I swore I'd never let myself lean on someone so much that I'd forget how to stand on my own. I had to re-learn who I was, and what I was capable of. And although I use the word 'strong', thinking about it now, maybe a better word is 'safe'. Maybe since then I've played it 'safe'. I didn't lean much at all...even when I really could have used the support... I didn't give my heart away completely.. I didn't let myself be totally 'me'. I guess in the back of my mind I have this fear that I wear on people... maybe they think I'm really great in the beginning, but then after awhile, I just don't seem all that amazing anymore. As I sit here writing this, I'm shocked because I haven't really revealed that thought to anyone before..and now here it is, my insecurity, for the whole internet to see. But that's me..sometimes I'm insecure. Sometimes I get mad over stupid things. Sometimes I just need to hear something over and over again before I can believe it. Sometimes I push people away just to see how far they'll go. I'm sarcastic and silly and annoying at times. I have my moments when I'm clingy and possessive, but again that's just insecurity acting up. Sometimes I'm calm and cool and totally sure of everything, and other times I feel like I don't know anything at all. When it comes to love, sometimes I need reassurance. I need the actual cheesy words, and maybe that's frustrating to some people. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you definitely don't deserve me at my best. And at my best, I think I'm pretty awesome. If I care about you, if I love'll know it, and I'll never let you forget it.
In the last 6 weeks, I've taken "me" back. I forgot how much I actually liked myself... and how much I am capable of.
I think I have a good head on my shoulders and a solid view of reality. But sometimes, my heart gets so far away from my head that I feel like I have no control over anything. Lately, certain things in my life have felt almost scripted... Part of me smiles, thinking how things sometimes come together so well, while the other part of me completely freaks out. The expression "too good to be true" keeps replaying in my head over and over. But why can't things just be really good? Maybe I deserve it...maybe this is right where I'm supposed to be. I'll steal a song lyric from Rascal Flatts: "Sometimes, too good IS true."

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