Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Upside Down

Last night at work, I found myself tearing up for no apparent reason. As emotionally challenging as my job can be, I think I'm usually pretty good at holding it together. I mean, last night I didn't even have a real reason for getting emotional. It just sort of happened. I just couldn't shake the feeling of being that patient, or that loved one of the patient who is facing such a challenging situation. I think I'm able to empathize pretty well with my patients and their families, but for some reason, last night, it just hit closer to home than usual.
I'm a problem solver. I like to help. I like to fix things. I like to control things, and lately I just feel like there is so much I can't control. And it's making me mad. :-P
I can't control my heart. That's the biggest one I guess. I mean, no one really can, but it seems lately it's just taking me for quite a ride. It's hard to explain, but for me, work has always given me a sense of stability. As unpredictable as it can be, I know what to do as a nurse. I know how to take care of my patients. I know the routine. So you can imagine that last night when I started to lose it at work, I sort of felt turned upside down.

Today when i opened up my freezer there was a fortune from a fortune cookie underneath the box of frozen pizza I was taking out. (Random, I have no idea how it got there?) It said: "You allow others to see the beauty in this world." As silly as it sounds, that made me smile. I saved it (I know, cheesy). But as fortune cookies go, I think that's way better than the usual ones.

I like to believe in signs. Like I've said before, I'm not sure what I believe in as far as religion and God and all that... I've seen too much to say with certainty that things happen for a purpose.. but I do like to believe sometimes the universe understands... maybe I do have little control lately.. but someone or something knew what I needed to hear.. I needed someone to recognize that I'm really trying.. to remind me that I do make a difference...that I matter to someone. And somehow that little piece of paper made a big difference. So I'm sure the fortune somehow got stuck to a box on the counter that I put away in the freezer without realizing..I'm sure there's a completely logical explanation,but whatever the case, it was exactly what i needed at that moment.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. I never really liked that expression, but it seems to fit. It's out there, pretty vulnerable... but I guess that's what being with someone is about -- Giving someone the power to break you, and trusting them not to. It's realizing you cannot control everything..that in order to fall in love, in order to love someone, in order to hold onto someone, you actually have to let go a little.

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