Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Dear Jon


Last week, I was on my way to the gym (which is way too far from where I live).  I got stuck in traffic and missed the class I wanted to take.  For some reason, I kept driving.  I had this thought that came out of nowhere that I would drive all the way to NJ to the cemetery to see you.  I haven't been to the cemetery on my own.  I've only been there for your memorial, and I admit, my wall was up as high as it'd ever been that day.  I didn't let myself really feel the depth of what I was seeing that day -- your name, your dates, beloved son, brother and perhaps most bittersweet, SOULMATE.  I don't know what made me want to go there.
I never understood people who take comfort in visiting a headstone.  I just don't get it.  I'd rather sit on a bench in Riverside Park where we spent countless afternoons, or stop on the Palisades overlook, or listen to a song you wrote.  There's comfort being in places you've been, places you've touched.  
I never actually made it to the cemetery.  I got all the way to the bridge and saw bumper-to-bumper traffic.  Something inside me decided you wouldn't want me to spend a sunny day in traffic just to visit a headstone. . . one I'm not sure I'd be able to find on my own anyway.  

You've been on my mind a lot lately.  I know I say this in every blog, but I still have a hard time letting myself believe this all really happened.  I know how unhealthy that sounds. What makes it even more difficult is the juxtaposition of my life right now.  I'm so happy.  I'm so excited for my life with Danny.  But that doesn't diminish how happy I was.  How excited we were. And all that has happened in the last year and half. 

It's so hard to explain, but somewhere deep down, I know we weren't meant to spend our lives together.  I mean, we should have been able to, but somehow, without really knowing, I know that it just wasn't meant to happen that way.  I'm not sure who decides what's meant to be and what's not, but I strongly feel in my heart that things happened the way they were supposed to.  Not that that changes how angry I am about it.

I read this quote the other day and it really hit home.  We always said we were soulmates.  People always think soulmates are meant to be together forever.  But maybe this makes more sense.  We were meant to meet exactly when we did and spend the exact amount of time we did together.  Though I know I will always wonder what would've happened if we had made different decisions -- chosen different treatment or gone to a different doctor -- deep down, I know there were no wrong choices.  In the end, you enjoyed your life.  You were home, with me.  No hospitals, no residents surrounding your bed, no abrupt wake ups for examinations.  We kept as much control as we could.  I can say with complete certainty that every touch you felt was love.  Every word you heard during your last hours, was love.  That's more than so many people get . . . and so much more than most people get to give. 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up. . . break your heart open so new light can get in. . ."

Not sure how two people can be so unlucky and lucky at the same time. I do know that you changed who I am . . . down to my core, I am a better, stronger, calmer, more loving person. 

I miss my best friend.  Katie and I talked about you the other day.  We laughed a lot.  You always had that effect on us.   I know you must be so proud of your baby sister.  She is turning into such an amazing woman.  I credit a lot of that to you.  You always had that effect on people, too.  I will always be grateful for the family you brought me into.  A family that continues to support me, not to mention two of the bravest women I know.  I can't thank you enough for bringing such amazing, truly good, people into my life.  

I don't feel weird telling you how happy I am, and how in love.  I talk to Danny about you quite often.  He knows that you will always be in my heart.  He knows I believe you brought him into my life.  

I've been doing pretty well in school.  I think I even figured out what I want to do when I graduate.  I hope I make you proud.  

I know you'll be smiling down on my wedding day.  That may sound weird to some people, but I don't think you feel jealousy or bittersweetness... I think, wherever you are, you know that this is how things were meant to turn out.  And though part of me will always mourn the life we didn't get to have, I feel peace knowing you are with me every step of this beautiful life I'm going to get to have.  

Chickens 4L.
Love you. 


"I want it all, some kind of wonderful... " <3>