Sometimes I wish Jon wasn't so special. I know that if he wasn't the amazing person he is he wouldn't be going through all of this. He hates when I say that, but I see it every single day in the kids I take care of. They have something extraordinary about them... something I often search for words to describe, but find it impossible. And my Jonathan has that, too. I know it's why I love him as much as I do, but sometimes I can't help but wish he was a little more average.
It makes me angry. I'm not a religious person. Admittedly, I don't often think of God, but yet I find myself blaming him for so many things. Is there an underlying lesson here? If so, then maybe God could've found a less extreme way to demonstrate it.
But I don't want to learn any more lessons. Jon has faced more than his share of trials and obstacles. And I've learned enough lessons for a lifetime. I've learned that we really can't control our hearts and who we fall in love with. I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever knew I could be. I've learned that I'm incredibly lucky to have Jonathan in my life. Ok, that's enough. Sometimes all I can think about is where this incredibly difficult life lesson could be heading. I don't want to see just how strong I can be. I don't want to be a "lucky" person who HAD a love like this. That's how most great love stories go, right? Love and loss go hand in hand in almost all of the classic tales of true love. Well, I don't want it. Stop here. Insert "And they lived happily ever after." The end.
I appreciate our love every single day. Every single moment. Every hand-hold, every kiss, every inside joke. I cherish our snuggles and the life we've created. I love our ability to read each other with one glance, and communicate with our own secret language. And I'm so lost in this love. And sometimes I'm scared. I guess any great love is scary. Any time we truly fall, there is a risk that no one will catch us. There is a risk of living with a heart that is forever broken.
We go through these ups and downs and sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body watching everything happen. Though I'd like to believe I can control every situation, I know that I really have little control over these things. What I can do is love him... love him with all of my heart, and I do... but my ability to do much else is limited. So I just keep loving him. If that's all I can do, then I will try to do it better than anyone has ever done it before. I love him at the worst times, at the unsure times, at the yay times. I love him through the pain, through the tears, through the snuggles. I love him when he's next to me, and when he's not. I love him when he's dreaming and when he's tossing and turning. I love him when I'm cranky, when I've had enough, when I want more. I love him when I'm sure of everything and when I'm terrified. I love him without question, without conditions. And all I can do is believe that our love will somehow carry us through the low points as we constantly battle uphill.
Love is the question, the answer, and everything in between... and perhaps the only reason I still believe in anything bigger than us. Love is bigger than us. Love is the ultimate lesson-learned. And like Jon, our love is extraordinary. <3