Saturday, September 25, 2010

Worth Fighting For

For a long time I've had this theory -- things happen when you least expect them to. My worriesome nature seems to stem from the idea that when you don't worry, when you don't think about worst case scenario, that's when bad things occur. I wouldn't really recommend living this way, but for a long time, I was a firm believer in this. What I have come to realize is this: bad things are going to happen whether you worry about them or not, and also, sometimes, every once in awhile, good things happen, too. Great things, in fact. I met Jonathan at a completely random, in some ways, inconvenient time in both of our lives. And every single day, I am thankful for it...and I'm pretty sure he is, too. I've probably 'worried' about Jonathan since the first day I met him... but that hasn't seemed to halt bad things from happening...

The last few days have been challenging. We received some less than optimal test results and are presented with yet another battle. I have no doubt in my mind that he is capable of winning that battle, but that doesn't change just how much it sucks that he has to fight at all. If you know him, you probably already love him, and if you don't know him, trust me, you would love him if you met him. It's an effect he has on people -- doesn't matter where he goes or what he's doing -- everyone falls in love with him. A person like that, with so much talent, so much to offer, doesn't deserve to go through any of what he's been through and continues to face. I guess no one really deserves to go through anything...but it seems to me, the people faced with the biggest issues, the scariest situations are the best people. I see that every single day in the children I take care of. These amazing that I know could change the world if given the opportunity, are stuck fighting for their lives. It doesn't seem fair.

I felt like it would be a good idea to write a new post, given so much has gone on the last few days that perhaps it would be beneficial to me to share my emotions. But I find the words difficult to form... tears, however, come easily. Maybe they speak much more clearly than any words I can come up with.

I'm not afraid of the future. I know in my heart of hearts that he will be ok...more than ok. When I cry, it's mainly for what he will face in order to reach 'ok'. I cry for the disappointment he must be feeling; for the constant obstacles he must overcome. I cry for the fact that he worries more about me than he does about himself. Most of all, I cry for those rare moments I know he will inevitably face when he will not feel as strong as I know he is. I wish I could fix it for him or share some of the responsibility to win this fight, but all I can do is stand by him, and love him -- something that comes so easily to me it barely seems like I'm doing enough.

Life isn't fair. But despite the obvious reasons that I could be angry, or bitter... look at what I have. I have a love that some people never get to experience... a love that is worth fighting for. I have a love that will never be taken for granted. And because of that, I am beyond sure that there is still good in this world...that amazing things do happen. Jon and I always say we're going to 'have it all'. And we will, in every sense of the word. But we both also know that as safe and loved as we feel when we're together, as much of a protective cocoon our relationship can sometimes feel like, reality somehow finds a way of sneaking up on us... but we're always ready. We're a team, and ready to fight... for life, for love, for everything we want out of this world... and I can't help but smile thinking that together, we're unstoppable.

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