Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Only Human

I usually blog about my emotions and my life pretty easily. Words seem to flow... Today I don't have any words. The emotions are there, the feelings are there, but I can't seem to verbalize.

I like stories. When I first became a nurse I would get so wrapped up in people's stories -- whether happy or tragic. I could empathize so well with a lot of my patients and their families. As time went on, I learned to still be involved but maintain just enough distance so I wasn't an emotional wreck 24-7.

When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew how hard it might be at times. I convinced my family and friends who were worried about me and my sanity that I was strong..that it wasn't that big of a deal. I could handle it. He was doing great, right? It was just another obstacle. I kept my feelings to myself. I smiled and told everyone things were great. And they were; they are. But I never told people how stressful/scary/frustrating/emotional it was for me. I never thought I'd be in the story... a part of someone's story, with no chance for maintaining distance or putting up walls.

When you love someone, it's impossible to stay away. It's impossible not to feel it in your own heart. I felt like (and still feel) I had no right to complain or feel sad because I chose to be in this story. But emotions usually win over being logical. Sometimes the tears come though I don't want them to, often without warning and without real reason. And sometimes for a few seconds I'm angry as opposed to the blessed feeling I usually have. Sometimes I'm scared though I know rationally there's no real reason to be. Sometimes it's hard to smile and be supportive when all I want to do is fix it. Sometimes everything is NOT ok. It's a very solitary feeling... I guess no one can really understand unless they're living it. I don't expect many of my friends to understand, and most avoid the topic all together. I can't really blame them since I put on the act that it's "no big deal". Ironically, I yell at my boyfriend for doing the very same thing. I tell him to express his feelings... to let himself be angry/sad/frustrated and not play off the situation like it's easier than it is. I tell him that constantly, and yet here I am, so afraid to do the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I am lucky in so many ways. Although a rough road, it could be a million times worse. There is no chance for me to lose him to this battle and for that I am more grateful than I could express in words. But despite the blessings, maybe it's ok for me to still be angry sometimes. We are amazing together..but sometimes I find myself looking with envy at couples who seem to have no obstacles to overcome.

Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. I want to make things better for him. I want to be there for him. I want to understand when he's snappy with me. And I think i do a pretty good job, but in the end I think I need to let myself be human.

One thing needs to be made clear: there is NO doubt in my mind that this is where I want to be. I have a love that I believe most people never get to experience. I also think that this journey will make us stronger in the end. When you love someone, truly love someone, when you're a part of someone, you take on their troubles, their pain, their tears...and that is a feeling that cannot be described in words. To watch someone you love go through something difficult, to watch them hurt, and not be able to do anything about it, is the most helpless feeling in the world. And to know that his biggest wish is most likely to erase all of this journey hurts... he is my dream come true yet if his wish were granted, our relationship most likely would have never come to be. And on a deeper level, it hurts even more to know that if I could grant him that wish I would. If I could change things for him and give him his life back the way it 'should have' been, I would.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could do a better job of keeping my feelings to myself because the last thing I ever want to do is make him feel worse... or give him the idea that I in any way resent being there for him.. because that is absolutely not the case. But as much as I am a part of him and what he's facing, he in turn, is a part of me... so despite the fact that I am not the one physically going through it, it's a different kind of hurt, but it still hurts. Knowing him so well, I know that reading this will probably hurt will hurt him because he will somehow feel responsible for causing me pain. But the truth is, we're in it together. The smiles outweigh the tears; the calm overrules the anxiety; the love between us makes my heart complete. I will continue to find strength in myself that I did not know existed... and I will keep trying to give him the strength he needs.

Love conquers all. <3

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