Thursday, May 27, 2010

Strength & Weakness

I'm not a religious person. I'm not sure what I believe other than that I believe in something. There are so many religions out there, so many wars begun over disputes about religious beliefs...but I think the basis of all religion is faith. By definition, faith means believing something..believing in something...remaining true to something no matter what.

I meet people all the time who impress me with their incredible faith despite so many hard times... I watch them put prayer cards all over their child's hospital rooms, rosary beads, statues... I listen to them pray to God and despite hope-crushing circumstances, their faith never wavers. Mine does, however.

But perhaps love is my religion...because I surely have faith in that. I have faith in people, in family, in friends. People can let you down, family can disappoint you, and friends can betray you... love can hurt. But despite these trials of faith, my belief in love is unwavering. It's something I can feel in my entire body, something I am sure of without question. Putting your whole heart into anything can be scary -- whether it be placing your fate in God's hands, or your heart in the hands of another person -- it takes faith. It takes a sense of knowing beyond all reason what is right. And knowing that there is something bigger than you... whether that something is a god, or a once in a lifetime love.

Lately, I don't feel like the strongest person. I've been trying to figure out why I've been so much more emotional much softer; why work and life situations have gotten to me in such a bigger way lately. And the only answer I can come up with is this: I think my heart was guarded for so long. I think I felt things and loved people and got attached to people but all the while keeping a tiny bit of protection around my heart. Subconciously and unintentionally I never gave my whole heart away. And now, my heart is exposed. I've given it to someone. And my theory is that perhaps I've finally let my guard down. Maybe knowing what I have now and how lucky I am makes me feel things in a deeper way. And maybe that doesn't make me weak... maybe that makes me brave. Maybe I'm actually stronger than I ever knew. What I do know with undeniable certainty, is my faith in love could not be stronger & in a way, it renews my faith in everything else. <3

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