Most of the time I am impressed with how far I’ve come. I can think about Jon and talk about
him, even talk about difficult memories, without breaking down into tears. It’s the moments that come over me out
of nowhere, the intense feelings that hit like a ton of bricks. It’s the times when I remember, all
over again, the tragedy that occurred in my life. A miracle and a tragedy – all wrapped into one, too-short
love story.
I sit here, clicking through picture after picture . . .
each a piece of our journey and I can see my own reflection in the background
of the computer screen. And every
so often, I have to remind myself that these pictures I’m looking at, are of
me. I was there. I was with Jon. He was here. We did this, we did that, we were happy. Sometimes I still don’t recognize that
girl anymore. Or maybe this girl .
. . I’m not sure. It feels like a
lifetime ago, and in some ways, it was.
This girl is
happy. Happier than I ever
imagined I’d get to be again. And
every single day I am surprised and grateful for the gift of true love . . . a
gift I have received not just once but twice, in my 26 years on this planet. A treasure I thought I would only
experience in memories for the rest of my life. A blessing I was sure I’d only get once in a lifetime. A miracle that I thought began and
ended with Jon.
I know, with every part of me, that he had a large part in
my second chance. He never wanted
to leave me. He was more afraid of
that than dying. Knowing Jon, who he was as a person, and the immense selfless,
unconditional love he had for me, I am sure he decided if he could not physically
be on this earth to love me for the rest of my life, then he’d pick the perfect
person to do it. And knowing the
way he truly knew me, he recognized that this love had to go above and beyond,
because I was SURE and 100% convinced I’d never experience that kind of love
again. He knew it would have to be
special. It would have to be right
in front of my face. It would have
to be intense and ‘you’re-an-idiot-if-you-don’t-get-it’ easy. It would have to include no room
for doubt, and also no room for comparison. He chose someone who was completely different than he was in
so many ways, yet so wonderful in so many of the same ways. He picked someone who would be able to
give me so many of the things I wanted in life that he could never give me
himself. He also chose someone who
would never attempt to write a song for me . . . he wanted to keep the upper
hand there. Haha He chose someone
he knew would love me the way he believed I should be loved, and most of all, someone
I could love back just as much.
Maybe this all sounds sort of far-fetched. Perhaps you think I have a false sense
of grandiosity. Maybe it sounds
like I think I’m some special case.
But the truth is, I don’t.
I just know how Jon felt about me.
How he saw me. And I will
never stop wondering why. Why he
picked me . . . why he loved me as much as he did . . . what he saw inside
me. And what I did to deserve that
kind of love . . . and why I’m somehow worthy enough to be loved like that again.
I have seen enough terrible things happen to good people to
know that not everyone gets a second chance. Not everyone gets “rewarded” or blessed after facing
heartache. Sadly, that’s not how
life works. But in my heart, as
hard as it is to find reasons for things, I believe there are reasons. I was meant to be by Jonathan’s side
for the rest of his life . . . but by some twist of fate, he wasn’t meant to be
with me for the rest of mine. I
will never understand that, but I have to
believe, he does. I like to
imagine he has perfect clarity now.
That he can understand everything.
That if anyone knows my future, if anyone sees a plan laid out before
me, he does. I hope he’s with me,
guiding me along the path I should be on.
Scratch that, I know he
is.
I wrote a blog a long, long time ago about my difficulty
believing in God and committing to religion. I wrote that LOVE was my religion; because it was the only
thing I could feel when I closed my eyes . . . the only thing I could have
absolute, unconditional faith in.
That continues. LOVE is my
higher power.
I miss Jon constantly.
Mostly I miss his presence, what he brought to this world, and my
life. Sometimes, I miss who I was
before he left. We were so
hopeful, so convinced that we could take on the world. I hate that I’ve experienced such a
loss, and whether I like it or not, I know it has changed me as a person. I guess we are all shaped by our
experiences – good and bad.
I am thankful.
For the miracle that was my time with Jon, for the personal angel I know
is always with me, for the belief and strength that relationship brought me,
for what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown as a person. I am thankful for that love story.
I am grateful (and excited) for this new love story. For this person who was sent to me, who
understands who I am, why I am who I
am, and who loves me in a way that I pray everyone gets to experience at least
once in his or her lifetime.
He is everything I could ever hope to find. I was handed another miracle.
Lucky girl<3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
