I don't know if many people can relate, but I absolutely love a fresh new planner. The pages are clean . . . I can throw away my 2011 calendar, full of cross-outs, and scribble. I can flip through the pages and smile at the little drawings of hearts, and smiley faces that mark some happy days, be thankful for those, and toss it in the trash. There's no feeling like it. Despite the surreal feeling the night of December 31st brings, the truth is, we have little control over most things in our lives.
I have mixed feelings about 2011. Part of it, maybe even most of it, was amazing. Jon and I got engaged in 2011. We had countless happy memories in 2011. And although I've always known bad things happen to good people, 2011 seemed to really prove that concept. Besides what has been going on with Jon and in our immediate world, I have seen terrible things happen to some amazing people -- things that have no rhyme or reason and have yet to display a 'meaning' behind their occurrence. I've changed my philosophy as of late -- not everything happens for a reason. Perhaps we are able to take terrible tragedies and find a silver lining, a seemingly positive outcome as a result of those awful things . . but when we really stop and think, was that truly a reason? I know this idea might upset a few people, and believe me, it challenges my own beliefs, but could it be that sometimes, terrible things happen for NO reason at all?
I often think about this in my own life, and try to rationalize. Maybe Jon got sick because he's strong. Don't people like to say, "God only gives you what you can handle". (Don't ever say that to Jon, he absolutely HATES that saying!). Maybe he got sick because we were meant to meet somehow and travel this journey together . . . perhaps as a lesson for both of us as to what's really important in life. Maybe his rare form of cancer and all the treatments we have/are trialing will lead to a cure for him and countless others. Maybe we are meant to have an amazing child someday who will change the world. Maybe someone up there thought we were too lucky in love . . . too happy . . . too good together. (Perhaps that's a somewhat dark notion, but these are the thoughts that run through my head.) Or maybe, it's just life, the luck of the draw. But what about everyone else who faces an obstacle, who loses someone they love? What's the reason there? Who's learning the lesson? And who decides when you've learned quite enough??
I don't mean to seem angry, but I guess I am. All of my friends out celebrating New Year's Eve. Our lives are just SO different at this exact moment. And maybe, I'm a little jealous of 'normal'. I know Jon and I have an amazing love, and despite this seemingly dark post, I am thankful every second for that love . . . but sometimes, for a split second, I am jealous of people who have never been in this position. People who have never watched the one they love struggle. People who have never had their love and future threatened.
2012 holds so many possibilities. Our wedding, June 1, 2012 being the day I look forward to the most. I know Jon and I have many obstacles to face before we can get there. He needs to get stronger. (I've been trying to fatten him up!) He's very s l o w l y improving, and I am grateful for that. I want him to be able to dance (all night) at our wedding! :)
Happy New Year everyone! Whether 2011 was amazing or was the worst year of your life, whatever 2012 means to you, whether you have been schooled in life lessons, or have had very little trouble (knock on wood), I hope you find meaning, peace, and happiness in the new year. I wish you lots of hearts and smiley faces doodled on your planner. :)
Bring it on, 2012!