Thursday, September 27, 2012

To Live Again

I haven't written in quite some time.  I think it's because there is just so much to say that it's difficult to write without jumping all over the place.  Jonathan has been gone for almost 8 months.  Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday. And sometimes there are moments when it feels like I am re-living it all over again.  Those are the moments I hate.

I often think of Jon and it brings a smile to my face.  I am so grateful, so thankful -- in ways I cannot put into words -- for knowing him, for being loved by him, for all the memories we shared, and all the ways he shaped who I am as a person.  In the moments of post-traumatic stress when awful memories flash across my mind, I get angry.  Those are not the moments I want to remember.  That is not how I want to think of Jon.  That sense of dread, sadness, and sometimes sheer panic... I know those are not the feelings Jon wanted to leave me with.  Thankfully, those moments have become fewer.  Over time, the happy memories, the heartwarming thoughts, have slowly but surely taken over and replaced many of the thoughts I'd rather not remember.

I miss my friend.  I miss his laughter, our inside jokes, our silliness.  As in love with Jon as I was, I think the foundation of everything was our friendship.  He knew me so well and losing someone who was so in-tune to who I am as a person felt like losing a piece of myself.  I often find myself wishing for his advice.  There were some dark moments throughout the course of the last 8 months when I was angry at him.  I felt like he had let me down.  I felt like he had abandoned me.  I would pray and ask for his advice, for answers, and I felt like I wasn't getting any.  Until... I did.

My life has changed a lot in the last few months.  I find myself smiling more than I have smiled in a very long time.  I have found happiness and a sense of calm completion that I was sure I'd never experience.  There is no doubt in my mind that Jonathan has everything to do with it.  This person who is the reason for my happiness is undoubtedly one of the best people I have ever encountered in my 26 years on earth.  And I am unbelievably surprised and grateful for the chance to be this happy.  As I've said in previous posts, I was convinced I'd live the rest of my life feeling like I settled.  Like it would never be as good as it "could" have been.  But I don't feel that anymore.  For the first time in a long time, I'm excited for the future.

I don't know why I am this lucky.  I don't know if I deserve it.  But I know I will cherish every second.  I know that Jon would want me to be happy.  Knowing that for a fact allows me to jump headfirst into this new-found happiness.  It allows me to soak it up, enjoy every second, and allow love to surround me.

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