Beauty Queen of Only 18

I had a few drinks with a group of my girlfriends tonight...they're from the pediatrics office where I worked throughout nursing school... it's a fun crew, especially because we're all different ages, and in different stages of our lives. We started talking about people getting engaged, married, having babies, etc..and we were discussing the "right" age for all that. My one friend, who's 22 said she's no where near the point where she'd want to live with her boyfriend or get engaged, even though she thinks they'll end up together eventually. My other friend who's about to be 25 said she'd like to be married by 28. I started to agree with this...I mean, 28 sounds pretty reasonable... I'm 24 years old and I guess 4 years seems like a good amount of time. On my drive home, I popped in some old school Coldplay music and I started thinking... Where do girls get these ideas from? Who says we should wait to get married or that we have to get married by 28 or have our first baby by 30? I know plenty of fabulous women who are 30 and single, or 24 and married having their first baby. I guess what I'm saying is, there is no magic number. I think it all depends on the individual situation; when it's right for you; when it fits your life. The last thing I'd ever want is someone to propose because he thought it was time.
When I was in highschool, 24 years old seemed like a lifetime away. And suddenly I feel like I blinked, and here I am. I remember hearing that song "She will be loved" and hearing the line 'Beauty Queen of Only 18'... I was 18 at the time and I would always smile when I heard that lyric. Now when I hear it, I think "18? Thats so damn young" haha I just think we get so wrapped up in looking forward to stuff or waiting for things to happen, that we miss so much. We get so caught up in the "right" thing or the "right" time... that I think sometimes we lose ourselves.
Lately though, I've been enjoying every moment. I hope everyone gets to feel this way at some point in their lives...because if this feeling exists, if this much happiness exists...if this heart beating faster yet slower sense of calm truly exists, and lasts, well then why settle for anything less?? I don't mean that things will always be perfect, or that life won't throw its curves like it usually does, but somehow, it's easier to handle...
So I don't know when the "right" time is, or when I want to get engaged, married, have babies etc... but I don't think it matters what I plan for. I could set an age right now, but in life things inevitably don't work out exactly as planned, and what I've found recently, is sometimes, they work out better. :) I'll take my chances. Besides, I like exactly where I am right now...and where I'm going.

The Answer

What is it that keeps us going in this life?
I believe in a lot of things. I believe in laughter, in friendship, in love... I believe in magic that surrounds us every single day. I believe in second chances, in miracles, and in 'meant to be.' I believe in all of these things every single day. What keeps us holding on?
I believe in laughter although I've cried my share of tears... I believe in love although I've been hurt... I believe in miracles although I've seen tragedy. I believe in second chances even though I've seen them get wasted. I believe in 'meant to be' although I've seen plenty of 'should-never be'. I trust too easily. I'm kind to people who probably don't deserve it. I still wish on stars. Why? What is it inside of us that keeps us believing, that keeps us hoping and trusting? What makes us ignore all the bad we've seen; all the disappointment we've felt; all the warning signs going off in our head. At the end of the day, what makes us try again?
I think the answer to this question, like most questions, is LOVE. New love, old love, friendship love, falling in love, unconditional love, unrequited love -- maybe just the possibility of love. Maybe that's what keeps us going. Because if we can believe in the simple possibility of love... in any of its forms, maybe that's what gives us the strength to believe in everything else.
Life is hard enough. Maybe that's why I still believe... because if some part of me doesn't hold onto the belief that there is good in this world, that there is hope in this life... well, then why bother?
If you're lucky enough to be loved... that should be enough to convince you to keep going..to find the strength to hang on...to keep believing in magic. Because that love, is your proof...that good things -- miracles -- do exist.
I think one miracle carries a thousand times more value than one tragedy. I think one true friend is worth more than ten mediocre friends. I think one day of laughter outweighs a river of tears. I think being able to truly love someone... and being loved in return, is worth more than anything in this world. So hold on. Keep believing, keep trusting, keep hoping...

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." -- The Notebook

Upside Down

Last night at work, I found myself tearing up for no apparent reason. As emotionally challenging as my job can be, I think I'm usually pretty good at holding it together. I mean, last night I didn't even have a real reason for getting emotional. It just sort of happened. I just couldn't shake the feeling of being that patient, or that loved one of the patient who is facing such a challenging situation. I think I'm able to empathize pretty well with my patients and their families, but for some reason, last night, it just hit closer to home than usual.
I'm a problem solver. I like to help. I like to fix things. I like to control things, and lately I just feel like there is so much I can't control. And it's making me mad. :-P
I can't control my heart. That's the biggest one I guess. I mean, no one really can, but it seems lately it's just taking me for quite a ride. It's hard to explain, but for me, work has always given me a sense of stability. As unpredictable as it can be, I know what to do as a nurse. I know how to take care of my patients. I know the routine. So you can imagine that last night when I started to lose it at work, I sort of felt turned upside down.

Today when i opened up my freezer there was a fortune from a fortune cookie underneath the box of frozen pizza I was taking out. (Random, I have no idea how it got there?) It said: "You allow others to see the beauty in this world." As silly as it sounds, that made me smile. I saved it (I know, cheesy). But as fortune cookies go, I think that's way better than the usual ones.

I like to believe in signs. Like I've said before, I'm not sure what I believe in as far as religion and God and all that... I've seen too much to say with certainty that things happen for a purpose.. but I do like to believe sometimes the universe understands... maybe I do have little control lately.. but someone or something knew what I needed to hear.. I needed someone to recognize that I'm really trying.. to remind me that I do make a difference...that I matter to someone. And somehow that little piece of paper made a big difference. So I'm sure the fortune somehow got stuck to a box on the counter that I put away in the freezer without realizing..I'm sure there's a completely logical explanation,but whatever the case, it was exactly what i needed at that moment.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. I never really liked that expression, but it seems to fit. It's out there, pretty vulnerable... but I guess that's what being with someone is about -- Giving someone the power to break you, and trusting them not to. It's realizing you cannot control everything..that in order to fall in love, in order to love someone, in order to hold onto someone, you actually have to let go a little.

Breathe

I've been a hypocrite lately. Back in one of my older posts I wrote about seizing the moment, saying how you feel, etc. But the truth is, lately I've held back. There are words on the tip of my tongue that I can't seem to let out. And if you know me, you know that's completely unlike me. I guess it all goes back to being insecure, and well..just plain scared. But eventually, I'll be brave. :)
The last two months feel like a whirlwind... things changed and then suddenly I'm sitting here wondering how I got here... it doesn't seem real. Maybe because I like where I am right now. It feels right. And part of me wonders how I let myself feel so "un-right" for so long....

I've said a million times that I think certain people come into our lives for a reason... I actually think most people do, but did you ever find someone who so completely fits? I've tried being cynical... I've tried not to get carried away; tried to hold back.. but it's like every single day I find something else in this person that just matches me so perfectly. Does that make sense?

I've been in love... I've given my heart away before & I know I hurt the last person I was with very much. I started letting him go before he even knew I was slipping away & I will always have an ache in my heart because of that... I guess all I can do is hope he understands someday. I lost one of my best friends.. and although he probably thinks I've already forgotten him, that's not the case. I've simply realized that we don't fit anymore. It sounds so cold to read that line.. and it doesn't give our relationship enough justice..because it was very special to me... but I guess in words, it's very matter-of-fact. Hearts, on the other hand, aren't so simple.

So I'm going to take a deep breath. I'm going to acknowledge my past for what it was, enjoy every moment of the present, and try not to get carried away with looking toward the future. I'm going to look up at the sky and wish with all my heart that whoever it was that brought this particular person into my life, also lets him stay in it....

And then, I'm going to finally finish my Grad school paper (due tomorrow by the way lol)

The Best of Me

Life is funny. We can feel so alone at times in this world... like we're the only ones stressed out or heartbroken or [fill in the blank]; We can have thoughts in our heads that we somehow, delusionally think no one else has ever thought of before... No one could possibly think like us, right? Until someone says that thought out loud and brings you back to reality. And no matter how many times it happens, it's still a wonderful feeling... when someone finishes your sentence, or knows what your reaction will be to a comment before they even say it; when you look at eachother & laugh, knowing exactly what the other is thinking. It's the little things I guess.
There are people in this world who bring out the best in you. They simply bring out the "you" in you. You may not notice at first...until maybe you realize you're singing louder than usual in the car with them, or twirling around the kitchen, or making up ridiculous songs. You are being you...and the best part is, they actually like it. I don't think there are many things in this world better than that. They're your biggest fan & if the feeling is mutual, then there's really nothing either of you can't accomplish. Sometimes you need someone to believe in you, so you can find the strength to believe in yourself. :)

Words

Have you ever been in the middle of something, and suddenly you remember something someone said to you? You might be in the middle of laundry, and you smile, remembering sweet words you were told...Sadly, I tend to think we usually remember more of the hurtful words ...and for some reason, once we rememeber, once we remind ourselves of those hurtful words, they seem to repeat in our heads, over and over again. It doesn't matter how untrue those words may be. Words are SO powerful. They have the potential to change everything you believe in if spoken by the right person. When someone knows you well, they know exactly what to say to wound you... they know your weaknesses, your insecurities, your vulnerabilities..and hopefully they never use that information to their advantage, but it's a power you give them...By opening yourself up to someone you risk everything.
I'm trying to write a paper for Grad school... but everytime I'm about to start writing, I just keep hearing the same words over in my head. Words that sting every time I think of them. And even though rationally, I think... I mean, I know these words are untrue, they've somehow stayed with me just the same. Maybe I just need to hear some extra nice words to clear my head of the bad stuff. :) Funny how we always believe the bad things people say to us... but it takes so much convincing to accept the good.
I think when we are hurt, our initial reaction is to find a way to hurt the person who caused us pain...I am guilty of this as well, but my advice is this: be careful with your words. They are more powerful than you think, and cut more deeply than you know. If you know what to say to someone to hurt them, that means they let you in... be careful with their heart, and with your own.

Wish Upon A Star

"When you wish upon a star..." It's so true that when we are looking for answers, we tend to look up at the sky. Maybe we are searching for a sign that there is more to life, and to the world. A star gives great hope and a sense of comfort... a belief in magic. Funny how something so small and faraway can somehow make us feel so tiny. If God exists, and I hope he does, I'd like to think He made the stars just for that reason...Hope and understanding of the universe -- a universe we are such a small part of; a belief that magic surrounds us every day and the realization that those stars will be there no matter what path we may choose.

Moments & Positions

"As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then, the moment was gone..."

Another quote stolen from One Tree Hill...maybe not as sophisticated as Shakespeare, but pretty good regardless. :)

Have you ever stopped to remember something, closed your eyes, and you can literally feel it? I think those are very rare moments that stay with us... where time almost seems to slow down. If I stop and remember a "really good day", I can't help but smile, and I can almost feel the sunshine on my face. If I think back to a moment of sadness, I can feel the way the earth seemed to stop moving. There are moments that stay with us -- life-changing moments -- sometimes whether we want to remember or not.
But I think every single day is made up of moments that are potentially amazing. I think most of the time we just overlook them. We go through our days so fast, sometimes wishing for the weekend or something else we're looking forward to, and we ignore the magic that surrounds us every single day.
Yesterday, I went out for a run. I was concentrating on breathing, not collapsing, and how much further I had to go, when suddenly I noticed the most beautful flowers on a tree in the neighborhood. It was a huge tree with these big, white delicate flowers. And I stopped, stole one (of course), and looked around. And as cheesy as it sounds, I thought to myself that there's so much beauty in the world if we just look around; If we step outside of ourselves and the stress constantly circulating in our heads. The weather was perfect, the air smelled of springtime and as simple as it sounds, I felt lucky; to be able to be outside and to be able to run, to be able to enjoy spring; Lucky to be running with someone who I know cares about me. Lucky to have more good memories in my head than bad. Life is short; things can change so quickly to the point where these simple things are what you might wish for most. So I promised myself to try to slow down and appreciate all the good things that are around me every day.

I also think if we slow down and really feel a moment, we can find a lot of truth in that particular moment. This might sound strange, but I think positions between people really say a lot about their relationship. I guess a big one for me is, when you sleep with someone, where do you wake up? Is your head still on his chest? Are you holding hands? Legs touching? Or are you rolled over on the opposite side of the bed? When I went running yesterday with my friend (aka ex boyfriend), we started out running side by side, but no matter how hard we tried to stay in sync, one of us always ended up in front of the other... now maybe it's because the side walk is too narrow but somehow I think it's more than that. Do you break your 'hand-holding' because an obstacle like a mailbox or pole is between you, or do you both move together around it? Maybe I'm reading too much into these things, but for some reason I think they speak volumes.

And then there are certain people that seem to fit so well. They are the people who seem to have their own gravitational pull on your body. You know you'll wake up either touching them in some way or at least facing them. You don't miss a step when you're walking together; you move with eachother. And hopefully, if you're lucky, that's what you'll do in life. Move together around the obstacles, run at the same pace, and dream together. One can only hope. :)

True?

I've had my heart broken before... once so bad that I didn't think I'd ever be me again... and once, recently, by my own doing. It doesn't matter who does the "breaking"... it always hurts. It still requires letting go... letting go of everyday routines, letting go of what I thought my life would be, how things would end up... letting go of who I was.
I like to think I'm a strong person. The first time my heart was broken, I swore I'd never let myself lean on someone so much that I'd forget how to stand on my own. I had to re-learn who I was, and what I was capable of. And although I use the word 'strong', thinking about it now, maybe a better word is 'safe'. Maybe since then I've played it 'safe'. I didn't lean much at all...even when I really could have used the support... I didn't give my heart away completely.. I didn't let myself be totally 'me'. I guess in the back of my mind I have this fear that I wear on people... maybe they think I'm really great in the beginning, but then after awhile, I just don't seem all that amazing anymore. As I sit here writing this, I'm shocked because I haven't really revealed that thought to anyone before..and now here it is, my insecurity, for the whole internet to see. But that's me..sometimes I'm insecure. Sometimes I get mad over stupid things. Sometimes I just need to hear something over and over again before I can believe it. Sometimes I push people away just to see how far they'll go. I'm sarcastic and silly and annoying at times. I have my moments when I'm clingy and possessive, but again that's just insecurity acting up. Sometimes I'm calm and cool and totally sure of everything, and other times I feel like I don't know anything at all. When it comes to love, sometimes I need reassurance. I need the actual cheesy words, and maybe that's frustrating to some people. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you definitely don't deserve me at my best. And at my best, I think I'm pretty awesome. If I care about you, if I love you...you'll know it, and I'll never let you forget it.
In the last 6 weeks, I've taken "me" back. I forgot how much I actually liked myself... and how much I am capable of.
I think I have a good head on my shoulders and a solid view of reality. But sometimes, my heart gets so far away from my head that I feel like I have no control over anything. Lately, certain things in my life have felt almost scripted... Part of me smiles, thinking how things sometimes come together so well, while the other part of me completely freaks out. The expression "too good to be true" keeps replaying in my head over and over. But why can't things just be really good? Maybe I deserve it...maybe this is right where I'm supposed to be. I'll steal a song lyric from Rascal Flatts: "Sometimes, too good IS true."

Break the Rules

In life and love, there are unwritten rules that most people follow. How long should a guy wait to call a girl after he gets her number, how many dates before it's 'ok' to have sex, how long until you can say 'I love you?' We play it safe. We all do it... how many times have you asked your friend, "Do you think that's too soon?" or let your cellphone ring 4 or 5 times before you answer his call (meanwhile, you've probably been staring at it for an hour waiting for that call.) Now i'm not saying a person should rush into anything, or act like a needy psycho ;) but take it on a case-by-case basis. I'm a big believer in doing what you feel -- so sometimes, I tend to make impulsive decisions, usually based on a 'feeling'... but you know what? I've never regretted one move I've made. It's the words I didn't say, the things I didn't do, the chances I didn't take... If you feel it, say it. If you want it, go for it. Life is too short to play games. So break the rules: take a chance, say what you're thinking, maybe even make a mistake. Who knows, that 'mistake' might bring you to the exact place you need to be.