Thursday, May 27, 2010

Strength & Weakness

I'm not a religious person. I'm not sure what I believe other than that I believe in something. There are so many religions out there, so many wars begun over disputes about religious beliefs...but I think the basis of all religion is faith. By definition, faith means believing something..believing in something...remaining true to something no matter what.

I meet people all the time who impress me with their incredible faith despite so many hard times... I watch them put prayer cards all over their child's hospital rooms, rosary beads, statues... I listen to them pray to God and despite hope-crushing circumstances, their faith never wavers. Mine does, however.

But perhaps love is my religion...because I surely have faith in that. I have faith in people, in family, in friends. People can let you down, family can disappoint you, and friends can betray you... love can hurt. But despite these trials of faith, my belief in love is unwavering. It's something I can feel in my entire body, something I am sure of without question. Putting your whole heart into anything can be scary -- whether it be placing your fate in God's hands, or your heart in the hands of another person -- it takes faith. It takes a sense of knowing beyond all reason what is right. And knowing that there is something bigger than you... whether that something is a god, or a once in a lifetime love.

Lately, I don't feel like the strongest person. I've been trying to figure out why I've been so much more emotional much softer; why work and life situations have gotten to me in such a bigger way lately. And the only answer I can come up with is this: I think my heart was guarded for so long. I think I felt things and loved people and got attached to people but all the while keeping a tiny bit of protection around my heart. Subconciously and unintentionally I never gave my whole heart away. And now, my heart is exposed. I've given it to someone. And my theory is that perhaps I've finally let my guard down. Maybe knowing what I have now and how lucky I am makes me feel things in a deeper way. And maybe that doesn't make me weak... maybe that makes me brave. Maybe I'm actually stronger than I ever knew. What I do know with undeniable certainty, is my faith in love could not be stronger & in a way, it renews my faith in everything else. <3

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Running on Faith

Life is scary. There are a million things that can go wrong. Every single day there are things that challenge your faith or make you question what you believe in. But sometimes, once in awhile, things go right. Something amazing comes out of something awful; someone makes you believe in magic again.
People fall in love. People make a commitment to eachother... and most of the time, they're happy enough. But what if there is more? What if there is someone who makes you happier than you ever knew you could be?? I think this type of love is rare... something most people never get to feel... and maybe they'll never know what they're missing.
But once you get a taste of that love... once you feel those butterflies, feel that completeness... I think it's impossible to settle for anything less.
It's easy to be in love during the good times.. but who do you see beside you during the bad times? Picture the worst imaginable thing that could happen in your life.. who's holding you? Who's sitting beside you? Who will be the one person to help pull you out of the darkness?
Who's on your team?
There's someone out there who's your biggest fan. He'll make you laugh louder than you've ever laughed before. He'll hold you in a way that makes you feel like nothing in this world could ever hurt you. He'll finish your sentences, or say what you couldn't put into words. He'll make you egg sandwiches... he'll sit in the park with you. He'll sing you a lullaby. He'll look at you like you are the greatest person on earth, even though you already know he is. You'll be in love all the time every day, even when times are hard. He'll kiss you in the middle of an argument. Time will speed up when you're together, and slow down when you're apart. You'll skip a breath when he tells you he loves you. And suddenly you'll realize, life isn't so scary anymore... because you know you've found someone who's in it with you... fighting for the same thing. Suddenly "I love you" doesn't seem like enough. But he'll know that when you say you love him, what you really mean is you're a part of him, with him through it all... he'll know that when you say it, it means something completely different than when you've said it in the past. Because maybe, it wasn't love until now.
Maybe we define love in our own way. But I think you'll know love when it hits you, when it defines YOU.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Tonight, I was talking to my mother about things that are going on in my life, and she said something that really struck me... She said, "There are always going to be people in your life who disappoint you... so when someone really extraordinary comes along, you have to let them in."
She's absolutely right. And I already knew this, but hearing the words really resonated with me.
When I decided to become a pediatric oncology nurse, I got a lot of negative comments... why would you do that? Aren't you going to be sad? etc etc. But I've met some of the most amazing kids and families in the course of my nursing career... children that I let into my heart, knowing that I could somehow end up hurt by it. And yes, sometimes it's been sad. Sometimes i got "hurt" in the end... but I am a better me for having let them into my life. But regardless of what people thought, I somehow knew this was where I belonged. I kind of ignored the negativity and the doubts and followed my heart. And that's what I'm doing again. I know where I belong. There's no doubt in my mind. Extraordinary people are exactly that..they are rare, and amazing, and I believe, they are worth risking everything for. I think anything really worthwhile in this life requires a certain element of risk; it requires taking a chance. It requires believing in your own strength, and really listening to your own heart. I feel sorry for the people who "play it safe". They will never know what it feels like to truly give your heart away. And as risky as that may be, as much as it may hurt if that heart gets broken, what's the point of keeping your heart to yourself??
There's also an element of faith that comes into play... faith in your own heart and where it leads you. I'll take extraordinary over ordinary... i'll take amazing over mediocre... I'll take butterflies over safety... I won't settle. Not in any aspect of my life. I asked my best friend, "Do you think I'm crazy?"... She smiled and said "yes, but you're happy..." And she's right.