Friday, April 20, 2012

That Girl

I often wonder what Jon would be saying if he could see me.  I like to think he can see me and that he's with me. I'm just not really sure how it all works.  Sometimes it makes me sad when I look around and realize just how different things are... just how much my life and everything about it has changed. Simply put, how much I've changed.  Sometimes it feels like I'm watching myself.  There are moments when I feel like if I were still the person I was a year or two ago, I might be acting very differently.  Typed words come easily, but actually talking and opening up seems so difficult.  And if you know me at all, you know that I'm a very open person.  I guess since losing Jon, it feels like a difficult task to open up my heart, to say words aloud.  When I do, I'm often overwhelmed by how many emotions flow.  Maybe it's easier to just stay closed up a bit.  I feel like I have trust issues... I don't really see why.  I mean, Jon himself never betrayed my trust.  If anything, he exceeded any expectations I ever had about relationships.  But I can't help but feel a little betrayed.  By life. By the way things turned out.  Maybe on some level, even by Jon.  He promised he would never leave me.  I know that promise was forced out of him after much pressure, and it was made with both of us knowing it was un-promisable, but it still feels like betrayal nonetheless. It is unbelievably hard for me to let people in who were not around before... people who don't know that part of my life... that part of me.  I feel like what I've been through has shaped me so much as a person.  So profoundly in fact, that I don't think anyone can understand who I am without knowing who I was.  

I do feel Jon around me, just not in the ways people might expect.  As much as I could never have been prepared for losing Jon, he did make some fundamental truths known to me before he died.  He made it absolutely clear that I was loved, that he was proud of me, grateful for me, and that above ALL else, he wanted me to be happy.  I feel lucky to know such basic yet significant things, without a shadow of a doubt.  How many people can say that? All of the emotions I feel on a daily basis, all the sadness, the questions, the anger -- I NEVER doubt how Jon felt about me and what he'd want for me in this life.  In fact, sometimes I can almost hear his voice in my head.  We were so connected, I like to think I know what his reaction would be to most things.  And although he is gone, I still feel so protective of him. When something happens that I KNOW would piss him off, I have to stop myself from fighting in his place.

Mostly I feel him around me when I'm happy.  I can't shake the feeling that if he is watching me, he is most happy when I am really laughing -- the kind of laugh that makes your stomach hurt.  There is a moment mid-laugh when I can almost feel his eyes on me, and see his face with a huge smile -- smiling because I'm smiling.  When someone is being sweet to me, or a good friend, I can feel Jon's satisfaction.  He would want me to be all of the things I was with him -- happy, loved, protected.

Watching Almost 6'6" perform is another instance when I can literally feel Jon's smile... the pride he would feel in watching them keep doing their thing.  There is nothing he would want more.  And I can't help but feel that he loves having his two favorite things -- music and love -- intertwined.

I don't always feel positive.  The anger sets in when I think about all that Jon COULD have done if given the chance.  It makes me sad that he won't write anymore songs, that he won't get to perform again.  I KNOW he should be up on that stage.  He SHOULD be next to me right now.  Those things will never change. Knowing and feeling so many positive things, as I do, still doesn't make it suck any less, or make it any more fair.  Knowing how much he loved me doesn't make it any easier that he won't get to be around to love me any longer... at least not in the way he wanted to.

But I look at all the amazing gifts he gave me.  Some of them people, most are virtues, and a knowledge of true love.

I'm not sure if "normal" exists anymore -- or if it ever will again.  I think it's just a new kind of normal.  A new reality.  And I am grateful for so many little things -- for true friendships & belly laughs.  I am thankful for those moments when I can feel Jon smiling at me -- those are the moments I know I am beginning to live again, and being the girl he fell in love with.  I always want to be that girl.

I can hear his voice saying "Get out of your head, Lace." Stop over thinking & just live.  Cherish every moment. Laugh loudly. Hug tightly. Cry when you need to. Love big. And every other cliche that exists. ;)

I never understood how I got so lucky to have someone like Jon pick me.  So I will live my life trying to measure up to the image he had of me.  If he thought I was that special, there must be some truth to it.  I like to think so. <3

1 comment:

  1. I'm a friend of a friend of Jon's. I never knew him at all, but my friend told me about his blog when he was diagnosed with cancer and I began reading it...sometimes forgetting to for some time, but always returning to it.

    When Jon no longer wrote, I began to read your blog as well.

    Thank you for continuing to write! I know you wrote earlier that your writing might not match up to Jon's but it has been just as profound and honest to read.

    I never knew Jon, but his blog meant an enormous difference to me.

    I'm sorry this comment is a little haphazard, but I just wanted to thank you and say that even in writing a blog, Jon was able to have a positive impact on someone out there in the world that he never knew existed, and who never knew him.

    Thank you again for also continuing to have such a wonderful impact on this world through your blog!

    May all the peace and happiness that this world still has in it follow you till the end of your days.

    For what it's worth, I'll be praying for you.