I'm excited about moving. I know it's the right decision for me -- it felt right when I walked into my soon-to-be new place. I know I can only move so far forward in my life if I stay in the same place. But that's also what makes it so hard. This apartment is the last thing that's remained pretty much exactly the same since I lost Jon. It's the last part of our life together that I can actually hold onto. I look around my life and EVERYTHING is SO different... in more ways than I can ever explain. But I come back here and I can almost pretend my world hasn't been turned upside down.
I know Jon would want me to get out of here. He loved this place so much. It was our special, most favorite place. It represented us starting a life together. It represented the first step in the life we could have together. But it was about the two of us, and I know the last thing he'd want is for me to be sitting here, by myself, looking around at pictures, feeling sad about what used to be. Besides, he knows I will never forget Snuggle City. He knows no matter where I am, I carry him with me. It's just a fact.
The apartment I'm moving to is in the exact area where I originally wanted to move when Jon and I first decided on the city. It's also apartment 4D -- which is the same as our beloved first apartment. It may sound silly, but it feels like a sign. Or at least reassurance. And honestly, that's all I need right now. I'm a smart girl. I know when I'm making the right choice. I know I need a "fresh start", but that doesn't mean I don't hate when people say that. I think I've had a tremendous amount of clarity throughout this entire ordeal, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Jon always knew what I needed. I can't help but think he still does.
So tomorrow I officially sign my new lease and the packing begins! Bittersweet to say the least. This girl I've become -- the one forever changed by loving, being loved by, and losing Jon -- will just take have to take it one step at a time. Ok, a lot of steps -- up a 4th floor walkup -- but one step at a time, nonetheless. ;)
"The more you love a memory, the stronger it is."