Moments

I think most big events in life have a soundtrack. When I first met Jon and we began talking, we of course discussed music. He introduced me to a bunch of songs I had never heard before. I added those to my iPod playlist, along with some of the biggest pop songs circa that time period. He even sent me a couple of his band's songs at the time (which were top secret). I remember listening on my walk to the train station and subway ride to work. I lived in Forest Hills at the time so my commute was about an hour. If I close my eyes and listen to a certain song, it's like I'm there. I can feel the brisk February air on my skin, I can feel the extra bounce in my step, and the smile on my face when certain songs would come on and spark a "Jon moment". Oh, who am I kidding . . . every moment has been a "Jon moment" since I met him. So many memories bring a smile to my face, and although I am thankful, I can't help but dread the day that I can't listen to those songs because they hurt too much.

Sometimes that seems so long ago... almost two years now. Both of us have been so changed by the events of the last two years. We are different people . . . older, somehow. We've learned too many hard things for people of 25 and 26 years of age. Our connection and our love, however, have never wavered.

The past few days with Jon have been bittersweet. He's been himself and awake. We were able to actually talk about what may happen in the future. It was a horribly difficult conversation, but we were able to really talk, and cry together. Jon said he would not stop fighting, but I made him promise not to fight just for me if he is suffering. I explained how much more I want for him... how he deserves such a better life than he has been given. I confessed that as much as I want him next to me, it was more important to me that he has a full and complete life, free of the constant battling he's had to do for so long. It broke my heart to talk about the idea of losing him... to look him in the eye and for us to both realize that we may have to say goodbye. But how lucky that we actually got to have that conversation! Some people wish they had the chance to say all they wanted to say to their loved one. But it was bittersweet and heart wrenching, nonetheless.

We canceled our June 1st wedding. Although heartbreaking because we were so looking forward to it, we decided it was the right thing to do. We both agreed that the wedding did not change our commitment to one another, or make our union any more legitimate. Jon did request that we get him a wedding band, and say what we want to say to one another. It has always been about us.

Sometimes I don't know how to feel. The days seem so long and I get angry at myself for feeling "bored". I know that these moments, sitting next to Jon on the couch, are what someday I will long for. I keep touching him and keep one hand on him while we sleep. I just keep trying to memorize the feeling of my skin on his. I'm so scared of the day he's not here anymore. When I can't just reach my hand across our bed and touch him. Feeling his presence is the only thing that stops the anxiety I feel. Holding his hand is the only thing that slows down my rapid heartbeat. I am so utterly afraid of not having that anymore. And so angry at myself for not somehow doing a better job of absorbing all of these moments we have together.

This situation is impossible. No one can tell me how to handle it, or how to feel, or how I will survive each day... A widow of a young man who lost his battle to the same cancer last year told me that she knows he wouldn't have allowed her to fall in love with him if he didn't believe she could get through it... and that means all of it. I have to believe that as well.

Although I have a hard time believing there is a "reason" for this, I do believe there was a reason Jonathan and I met. We changed each other's lives. Maybe the ending is not going to be what we wish for and we can both be angry about that, but the bottom line is we have done such an amazing job of loving each other these past two years. We've loved one another through it all. That's something that can never be taken away. My mother says the reason it hurts so badly is because of how amazing it is -- You can't know all of this pain without knowing such incredible love. And although this thought does not always comfort me, sometimes it does. Just knowing how lucky we've been for this long... I will forever walk through this life with a knowledge of a love most people never even know exists. I will never settle for anything because I know what two people are capable of.

No one knows the future. So for now, each moment will have to be enough. I will memorize every part of him, every feeling, every word... and cherish every second he is next to me. And keep praying for a miracle.