Monday, December 12, 2011

Silly Girl

The last few days have felt like an eternity. Days go by so slowly, and seem so tiring when you're taking care of one person 24/7. I never resent him for it. I know he would do the same for me if our tables had been turned. I often think it could be much worse. At least he is still Jonathan at times, at least he remembers when he has to pee, or can ask for what he needs. I'm trying to be there for him, but maintain his dignity at the same time. The hard part isn't the physical aspect, it's the constant emotional pull I feel on my heart, minute by minute. Torture is the only word I can use to describe it. I often look into his eyes, trying to gauge just how "with it" he might be at that moment. The truth is, I'm lonely. Whether temporary or not, I have lost a piece of my best friend, my love. I try not to focus on that, but the simple truth of it is, I miss him and the way things were. I grieve the thought of never having that back, but at the same time, I am so grateful for every moment with him. The thought that just keeps replaying in my mind is, how did we get here?

He trusts me. He always has. I know that's why he made me his healthcare proxy. I guess I just never thought I'd be making decisions for him. I want to make the right decisions, to do the best for him in every way, but without having him to really talk things through, to validate my thought process, it seems like a daunting task. I take comfort in knowing that we always shared similar values, beliefs, and thoughts...and that every decision I make is purely with love in my heart. Of course I want him with me...I want him with me always. No amount of time would be long enough. But I also don't want to put him through more pain and more sickness. I know that even when he has a faraway look in his eye, he knows I'm in his corner. Perhaps that's why he's allowed his brain to turn off a little. He knows he has someone who will always try to do right by him.

One thing I've always been amazed at from the moment I entered Jonathan's life, was how many people he has that sincerely, truly, love him. I don't think I've ever met someone who's so loved by so many people. Not that I'm surprised. It is comforting to know so many people are pulling for him...for us. I've asked people to pray...something I'll admit I've never really given much thought to in the past. Miracles happen. I've seen them happen... Our love has already been a miracle.

This morning, half-asleep, he said (in our cutesy baby voice we reserve for when no one is around) "You don't want me to leave you, baby?" I said, "No I don't want you to leave me." He chuckled and said, "I'm not leaving, silly girl." Sometimes I think he can read my thoughts.

Keep praying for us. If you don't pray, I'm a believer in positive energy so send some our way. Hug the person you love. It's so easy to take someone for granted, and it's only natural to do so. But if you're reading this, try a little harder to appreciate what you have. And never settle for any love less than a miracle.

“Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.”

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