We loved with a love that was more than love

It's been so long since I've written. The truth is, I want to write. I started a post months ago and every now and then I look at it, edit it here and there, and try to pick up where I left off. Today I deleted it. So much time has passed it seems like a daunting task to try to recap everything that's happened... so I'm not going to.

Jonathan is doing well. We've had some very low lows and some high hopes and right now we're coasting. I'm ok with that. The road hasn't been easy for either of us, but his strength continues to amaze me. At the moment, we are back to chemo by mouth -- 2 pills daily. No IV infusions, no high-dose regimens, no triple/quadruple-weekly visits to the clinic. He looks great and his pain seems to be improving. We're both keeping our fingers crossed. Neither of us gets too excited -- we know how quickly things can change. So we try to enjoy it and pray for a time when someday we can fully relax.

We took a trip to the National Cancer Institute down in Maryland to see one of the doctors Jonathan saw during his initial diagnosis. She gave us a rundown of what she believes to be good options for Jon, and thankfully, agreed with the current regimen. Besides being an amazing doctor, she really gave us something that most doctors are reluctant to give -- hope. Not just hope for long term survival... Jon and I have gotten that -- Hope for long term quality. Obviously, Jonathan wants to live as long as possible, and doctors have told us that technically since his cancer is strictly in the bone (so long as it doesn't spread elsewhere), it's not as life threatening as it would be for someone with typical DSRCT. So far, we've been able to manage it. But in accepting that survival, Jonathan has also had to accept the idea that he may quite possibly have to live with the pain for the rest of his life... and that is an idea that must seem very overwhelming. I really can't imagine someone telling me, "well you're going to have to fight HARD to live, and if you do, you'll still be in pain." My point is, this particular doctor not only said how well Jon is doing, she talked about the future...she mentioned that in a few years there could be studies done to see exactly how to target the specific receptors/gene/other stuff I don't understand that is responsible for Jonathan's cancer. "A few years." In a few years, there may be an answer. We aren't looking for a miracle, but perhaps something that just makes it a tiny bit easier for him...for both of us.

He doesn't know how proud I am of him. It really has little to do with cancer. It's just him. I am proud of everything he does...everything he accomplishes despite all the challenges he faces on a daily basis. I am proud of our relationship, and how strong we are. And I am so proud to be marrying him. Oh, did I mention we're engaged? :)

I know that every couple in love believes their love is something special, but there is something between Jonathan and I that I cannot quite form into words. Yes, we love one another -- immensely -- but there's a bond, a deep friendship, a sense of 'home' that I wish everyone could have the chance to experience (although I know only a lucky few ever do). Going through experiences like we have this past year and a half have really strengthened our relationship in a way that I don't think anything can break. The two of us are quite a team. I am truly thankful for having him in my life every single day.

I do wish he didn't have to work so hard. It's a strange feeling...lately I've almost been forgetting that he's sick. He looks so good, things are so "normal" that for a split second I forget that there's always a risk of things changing... he could get sicker (again) and although I know we can face anything together, I often wonder what it would feel like to not be worried, not to have those thoughts in the back of my mind... just for a day. I imagine I would feel lighter.

Sometimes when I'm sitting on the subway or walking around the city and I see a happy couple, I can't help but feel a small amount of anger... why do they get to be so carefree? Why do I have to fight to keep Jonathan? We belong together.. we are SO right for each other, shouldn't it all be that easy?? It makes me think of "Annabel Lee" by Edgar Allan Poe:

But we loved with a love that was more than love-

I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven

Coveted her and me.

I don't know...maybe the angels are jealous.

But then I realize that no one is safe from life. I don't know what that couple is really going through. Everyone has fears and things to stress about...everyone has pain and sadness in their lives... no one is safe from life changing in the blink of an eye. At least Jon and I know our enemy. Maybe that's an advantage. I guess my point is, enjoy every minute, every second of happiness. And don't assume a person's life is easy. I'm sure people have looked at me and judged or assumed but in reality they have no idea what's going on in my life.

We are so excited for the wedding and have already planned so much! It seems to keep getting bigger and bigger! Also, Jon's band has been performing in the city and the turnout has been awesome! I love watching him sing and do what he loves. Just another proud moment for his bride-to-be.

Love one another. Life is too short, moments are too fleeting to not let yourself love, and remind yourself how lucky you are.

"Those who love each other shall become invincible" -- Walt Whitman

Worth Fighting For

For a long time I've had this theory -- things happen when you least expect them to. My worriesome nature seems to stem from the idea that when you don't worry, when you don't think about worst case scenario, that's when bad things occur. I wouldn't really recommend living this way, but for a long time, I was a firm believer in this. What I have come to realize is this: bad things are going to happen whether you worry about them or not, and also, sometimes, every once in awhile, good things happen, too. Great things, in fact. I met Jonathan at a completely random, in some ways, inconvenient time in both of our lives. And every single day, I am thankful for it...and I'm pretty sure he is, too. I've probably 'worried' about Jonathan since the first day I met him... but that hasn't seemed to halt bad things from happening...

The last few days have been challenging. We received some less than optimal test results and are presented with yet another battle. I have no doubt in my mind that he is capable of winning that battle, but that doesn't change just how much it sucks that he has to fight at all. If you know him, you probably already love him, and if you don't know him, trust me, you would love him if you met him. It's an effect he has on people -- doesn't matter where he goes or what he's doing -- everyone falls in love with him. A person like that, with so much talent, so much to offer, doesn't deserve to go through any of what he's been through and continues to face. I guess no one really deserves to go through anything...but it seems to me, the people faced with the biggest issues, the scariest situations are the best people. I see that every single day in the children I take care of. These amazing kids...kids that I know could change the world if given the opportunity, are stuck fighting for their lives. It doesn't seem fair.

I felt like it would be a good idea to write a new post, given so much has gone on the last few days that perhaps it would be beneficial to me to share my emotions. But I find the words difficult to form... tears, however, come easily. Maybe they speak much more clearly than any words I can come up with.

I'm not afraid of the future. I know in my heart of hearts that he will be ok...more than ok. When I cry, it's mainly for what he will face in order to reach 'ok'. I cry for the disappointment he must be feeling; for the constant obstacles he must overcome. I cry for the fact that he worries more about me than he does about himself. Most of all, I cry for those rare moments I know he will inevitably face when he will not feel as strong as I know he is. I wish I could fix it for him or share some of the responsibility to win this fight, but all I can do is stand by him, and love him -- something that comes so easily to me it barely seems like I'm doing enough.

Life isn't fair. But despite the obvious reasons that I could be angry, or bitter... look at what I have. I have a love that some people never get to experience... a love that is worth fighting for. I have a love that will never be taken for granted. And because of that, I am beyond sure that there is still good in this world...that amazing things do happen. Jon and I always say we're going to 'have it all'. And we will, in every sense of the word. But we both also know that as safe and loved as we feel when we're together, as much of a protective cocoon our relationship can sometimes feel like, reality somehow finds a way of sneaking up on us... but we're always ready. We're a team, and ready to fight... for life, for love, for everything we want out of this world... and I can't help but smile thinking that together, we're unstoppable.

Six

Six months ago today my whole world changed. I met the most amazingly talented, sweet, and funny person. He swept me off my feet with his charm, and his wit. Six months ago today marked the start of the best six months of my life. Jon's incredible strength, his uniqueness, and honesty have brought so much to my life. He challenges me to be the best person I can be...He doesn't let me settle for less or get away with my (sometimes) immature antics. :) Six months may seem so short to some. But the intensity of our relationship and the strength we've developed together, in my opinion, puts us light years ahead of some couples who have been together for years. Trust me, if I were sitting here reading someone else's blog about her boyfriend of six months I'd probably roll my eyes. But maybe the saying is true -- when you know, you just know.
We've developed our own world together, often understanding each other without saying a word. And as I watch him develop his own life and accomplishments, I could not be more proud. The challenge he is facing and that we, in turn, are facing together have done nothing but show our true courage. On second thought, it is his incredible courage that allows me to be stronger. Maybe it helps us realize more than others just how important we are to one another... How valuable life is...How amazing it can be.
So I will always cherish the last 6 months...Our first 6 months of many... For it was the time I learned more about myself than I have in a long time. It was the time I learned to love another more than I thought possible. It was the time I have smiled more than I ever knew I could. It was the time I first started to be a part of his world; a time when I found my inner strength... And as cliche as it sounds, my other half.

"You are the best thing that's ever been mine."

Guardian Angels

I have always been an animal lover. I think that many animals have a sixth sense about them. When I was 7 years old, my parents bought a Jack Russel Terrier puppy. To this day, I remember hearing his tiny paws coming down our old apartment hallway and being so surprised. He looked like a pig in a way, with his pot belly and short little legs. He had black and white spots, and on his head was a white spot shaped like a diamond. Thus, to a 7-year-old little girl, his name was born. Being an only child, having Diamond was a blessing. He was my best friend, my protector, my playmate. His spirit never failed to make me smile. As I hit the challenging teen years he seemed to be the only 'person' who understood me at times. He was (and still is) my family in every sense of the word. When I was upset, he never left my side, and often tried to lick the tears off of my face. Leaving him at my parents' house was probably the hardest part of moving into my own apartment. Now, as his 17th birthday approaches (crazy, I know), I am aware that our memories together are probably limited. He has aged the most over the past year or so... he has trouble seeing, his back legs are weak, and his hearing is lacking. He has to be carried up the stairs and can no longer jump on and off the bed. People often ask why we haven't put him to sleep. For the record, I would never in a million years want to be selfish and keep him around suffering simply because letting him go would be too hard. Sincerely at this point, he still gets excited to go for a walk. He still snuggles next to me. He still knows when it's time to eat and will still bark for table food. He's still Diamond...just an older version. My hope is that when the time comes he will fall asleep wrapped up warm in his favorite blanket, curled up next to my parents and drift away. 17 years is a long time to know someone, whether person or animal. And I will surely not be the same without him. But how blessed I am to have had a guardian angel with me for 17 years.

My boyfriend's dog, Josie, seems to have smiliar qualities. When Jon is not feeling well, she will lay beside him with her head resting on his leg and not move for hours. When I was upset, she followed me up the stairs and licked the tears off my face...I felt like she was telling me, "Don't cry, everything is going to be alright." And surely she must know. <3

I don't usually mesh well with people who aren't animal lovers...it just doesn't really make sense to me why someone wouldn't like animals. Perhaps they aren't ready to be loved that way. Animals love us unconditionlly... without question, without expectation, regardless of what we look like, what we've done, where we've been. It is perhaps the purest form of love that exists.

Only Human

I usually blog about my emotions and my life pretty easily. Words seem to flow... Today I don't have any words. The emotions are there, the feelings are there, but I can't seem to verbalize.

I like stories. When I first became a nurse I would get so wrapped up in people's stories -- whether happy or tragic. I could empathize so well with a lot of my patients and their families. As time went on, I learned to still be involved but maintain just enough distance so I wasn't an emotional wreck 24-7.

When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew how hard it might be at times. I convinced my family and friends who were worried about me and my sanity that I was strong..that it wasn't that big of a deal. I could handle it. He was doing great, right? It was just another obstacle. I kept my feelings to myself. I smiled and told everyone things were great. And they were; they are. But I never told people how stressful/scary/frustrating/emotional it was for me. I never thought I'd be in the story... a part of someone's story, with no chance for maintaining distance or putting up walls.

When you love someone, it's impossible to stay away. It's impossible not to feel it in your own heart. I felt like (and still feel) I had no right to complain or feel sad because I chose to be in this story. But emotions usually win over being logical. Sometimes the tears come though I don't want them to, often without warning and without real reason. And sometimes for a few seconds I'm angry as opposed to the blessed feeling I usually have. Sometimes I'm scared though I know rationally there's no real reason to be. Sometimes it's hard to smile and be supportive when all I want to do is fix it. Sometimes everything is NOT ok. It's a very solitary feeling... I guess no one can really understand unless they're living it. I don't expect many of my friends to understand, and most avoid the topic all together. I can't really blame them since I put on the act that it's "no big deal". Ironically, I yell at my boyfriend for doing the very same thing. I tell him to express his feelings... to let himself be angry/sad/frustrated and not play off the situation like it's easier than it is. I tell him that constantly, and yet here I am, so afraid to do the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I am lucky in so many ways. Although a rough road, it could be a million times worse. There is no chance for me to lose him to this battle and for that I am more grateful than I could express in words. But despite the blessings, maybe it's ok for me to still be angry sometimes. We are amazing together..but sometimes I find myself looking with envy at couples who seem to have no obstacles to overcome.

Perhaps I put too much pressure on myself. I want to make things better for him. I want to be there for him. I want to understand when he's snappy with me. And I think i do a pretty good job, but in the end I think I need to let myself be human.

One thing needs to be made clear: there is NO doubt in my mind that this is where I want to be. I have a love that I believe most people never get to experience. I also think that this journey will make us stronger in the end. When you love someone, truly love someone, when you're a part of someone, you take on their troubles, their pain, their tears...and that is a feeling that cannot be described in words. To watch someone you love go through something difficult, to watch them hurt, and not be able to do anything about it, is the most helpless feeling in the world. And to know that his biggest wish is most likely to erase all of this journey hurts... he is my dream come true yet if his wish were granted, our relationship most likely would have never come to be. And on a deeper level, it hurts even more to know that if I could grant him that wish I would. If I could change things for him and give him his life back the way it 'should have' been, I would.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could do a better job of keeping my feelings to myself because the last thing I ever want to do is make him feel worse... or give him the idea that I in any way resent being there for him.. because that is absolutely not the case. But as much as I am a part of him and what he's facing, he in turn, is a part of me... so despite the fact that I am not the one physically going through it, it's a different kind of hurt, but it still hurts. Knowing him so well, I know that reading this will probably hurt him...it will hurt him because he will somehow feel responsible for causing me pain. But the truth is, we're in it together. The smiles outweigh the tears; the calm overrules the anxiety; the love between us makes my heart complete. I will continue to find strength in myself that I did not know existed... and I will keep trying to give him the strength he needs.

Love conquers all. <3

Dream Catcher

"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?"


When I was younger, I used to have nightmares. Not your typical 'monster under the bed' nightmares... more like 'picture your biggest fear' nightmares. I would wake up crying and it would take a long time to shake that feeling, to convince myself that what I had just dreamed of didn't actually happen. When my grandmother bought me a dream catcher I remember being fascinated by it. The idea was intriguing to me. This tiny object with its interwoven fabric, blue suede border and feather trim would somehow 'trap' my nightmares? I hung it up and believed in it, and although the occasional nightmare would still somehow manage to sneak through, for the most part, I felt like that dream catcher was doing its job. I took it with me when my parents and I moved into our new house, and it has made its way into my first apartment. Although my cynical side would probably make me the first one to laugh at the idea that a dream catcher actually works, I cannot say with certainty that I'd remove it from my bedroom without hesitation.

When I was little my mother had a lot of health issues (She's ok now though! ). I developed a sort of 'separation anxiety'. I was convinced that if I wasn't with her, if I couldn't physically see her or hear her voice, something would go wrong. It sounds ridiculous now, but at that time and at that age, it was my biggest fear. To alleviate my anxiety, my mother gave me a silver necklace with a small angel pendant on it. She had an identical one, and she told me that in a way we would always be together so long as I was wearing that necklace. I had more faith in that necklace than in any of my Catholic School teachings. To this day, if I am particularly upset about something or feeling uneasy, I will put that necklace on and feel safe somehow. It is amazing to me how at 24 years old that has stayed with me. It fascinates me how simple it was to believe in... despite knowing the rational side of things, the magic in that necklace was indisputable, and remains so.


When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he admitted to me that he often had nightmares. I found a dream catcher at an antigue/thrift store for $1 and gave it to him. I'm doubtful that he thought it would do much except look kind of cool hanging on his wall, but I thought it was a nice gesture... in a way, I wanted to be that dream catcher for him. I wanted to trap every fear, every nightmare and shield him from it. But sometimes, despite our best efforts the bad stuff can still manage to get through. Although rare these days, I still have nightmares. And when I wake up in that moment where for a split second it's hard to distinguish my fears from reality, it is impossible to put into words the comfort it brings me to look over and see my own personal living dream catcher. His face the reminder that reality is pretty amazing; the safety I find in his arms around me; the calm I feel at the sound of his voice. Maybe dreams are just like life -- sometimes they're happy, sometimes they're frightening, sometimes sad... sometimes they simply seem meaningless and we barely remember them. Whether the nightmare is a monster under my bed or the scary reality of life, it is a comfort to know I am never in it alone.

No Other Way

It's been awhile since I last posted. Admittedly, I think i was being a little bit of a chicken. See, writing forces a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, a lot of truth.. and I think I was enjoying living outside of my own head for a little while. Don't get me wrong, things are pretty amazing right now. I feel lucky every single day. But I thought it might be time to clear my thoughts. So here I am.


The point of this blog is not to sit here and tell you how lucky I am. Those of you who are closer to me know that the happiness in my life does not come free from challenges. In fact, the biggest happiness in my life may prove to be the biggest challenge I've ever faced. But it brings out a strength in myself that I did not even know I had and more so, makes me admire the incredible strength in another person. And although I wish on a daily basis that I could somehow make things easier for him, deep down I know this is just one obstacle that we will face together.

It is hard for me to put into words how I feel about the person who has changed my world... the person who brightens every single day. The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine the most perfect person for you in this life.. your match. Your "other half" if you will. Your complete and utter dream come true. Well, as cheesy as it sounds that's what he is for me. It's like someone pulled him out of my head and placed him right in front of me. And I plan to hold onto him. ;)

He and I often hear that we have a "great story". People love things out of the ordinary...they love stories that make them believe. They love to find "reasons" and "meanings" behind everything. (I can't say that I haven't been guilty of this as well!) And while we do agree with how lucky we both are to have found eachother, I can't help but wish "our story" was different. I wish we had bumped into eachother on the street or at a bar... I wish we had never met the way we did, because then, perhaps, it would mean he never would have had to deal with what he's dealt with. Yes, maybe something incredibly wonderful has come out of something incredibly awful and for that we will both be grateful...but I can't help but think maybe some things are too terrible to have a reason. Did God screw up somewhere? Or maybe this is His way of fixing his mess up lol Or are things merely luck, coincidence?

Whatever the answer, I am grateful. I'm thankful for the happiness he brings to my life. I appreciate my face hurting from smiling so much. I find bravery in his strength. I find a sense of calm in his arms. I find appreciation in our days together and excitement in thinking about the future.

People face scary situations every day. Someone's life is turned upside down every minute. Life is frightening enough... but somehow I think together we'll be just fine. There's just no other way. And that's enough "meaning" for me.